The Luv Doc: Everybody Loves Sodomy

Folks around here don’t take too kindly to people openly flaunting their sexual predilections

The Luv Doc: Everybody Loves Sodomy

Dear Luv Doc,

I try not to go out much these days, but some trips are unavoidable: groceries, drug store, post office. Every time I do go out, though, there are always plenty of people who remind me of why I have been staying in. People at H-E-B whose kids brush past me and put their hands on everything. Half the people I see are not wearing masks or making any real effort at social distancing, and now Governor Abbott is opening up restaurants, malls, movie theatres and golf courses. My wife says she can't wait to go to the mall and have margaritas at Chuy's. I guess I should be happy that she doesn't play golf, but I am afraid she is going to stay too long in the hot zone and end up killing me for a strawberry margarita. Should I handcuff her to a chair?

– Ol' Wheezy

If you really are old like your nom de plume implies, you know very well that you should never handcuff someone unless you have their sober, verbal consent ... and an agreed-upon safe word – never "Topeka," of course, because it's crazy how often that word comes up in casual S&M conversation – especially when you're wearing a ball gag. And yes, I know what you're thinking, but something tells me that even if you can get your wife to squirm her way into a rubber suit before you handcuff her to said chair, it won't necessarily be a get-out-of-jail-free card when you're getting prosecuted for unlawful restraint.

This might be Austin, but it's still Texas. Folks around here don't take too kindly to people openly flaunting their sexual predilections, even in the liberal environment of a court of law. Hell, Texas still has a sodomy law in its penal code. Yes, I just said "penal," and yes, that law was invalidated by a U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 2003 – well into the dawn of the Third Millennium. But like I said, this is Texas, and regardless of the undisputed fact that a large majority of the Texas legislature has willfully engaged in acts of sodomy – even paid for them in some instances – a majority of them don't want to seem perverted enough to their constituencies to remove that arcane statute from the Texas Penal Code. Yes, I just said penal again, but I don't have a constituency.

Here's the thing: Everybody loves sodomy. If you don't think you love sodomy, well, there's about a 100% chance you haven't been sodomized properly. If you find yourself in the throes of a red-faced conniption fit right now, it's probably because you are unaware that classically, at least, there is more than one type of sodomy. Depending on the statute in question, you could sodomize a dog, a person, or even your heterosexual spouse – and not just anally. Pretty much anything outside of the realm of P in V was considered sodomy at some point or another. Yes, even oral sex. If you're against oral sex between consenting adults, please look to the first sentence of this paragraph.

Now that we've cleared up the crimes and misdemeanors, we can move on to your wife's strong desire to get out of the house. Look, everybody has been on lockdown for too long – your wife included. Judging by your judginess, I bet living with you is no walk in the park, and even if it is, that walk probably involves a hazmat suit. I get that you want to protect yourself, but at a certain point you have to trust the ones you love to make smart decisions that don't endanger your health. If you feel your wife doesn't have the mental wherewithal for that, I guess you have a hard decision to make, but it's probably one you should have made before asking her to marry you.

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