The Luv Doc: Hot, Horny Europeans

Good or bad, cultural exchange always has consequences.

The Luv Doc: Hot, Horny Europeans

Dear Luv Doc,

Now that the coronavirus has canceled SXSW, how am I going to hook up with hot, horny Europeans? On WhatsApp?

– Trixie


Hey Trixie, just because SXSW got canceled doesn't mean those hot, horny Europeans aren't coming. If we have learned anything here in the New World, it's that Europeans aren't going to let a little head cold stop them from ravaging the locals. Short of an act of God or a governmental edict (props, Italy) you can expect nearly the same number of randy Europeans you always have, only this time there is a bullet in the chamber – and I am not talking about herpes. That is in a totally different chamber.

To give some perspective, the first wave of Europeans brought smallpox, which had a 30% mortality rate. That's basically like a game of six-shooter Russian roulette with two bullets in the chamber. Once again, herpes is in a totally different chamber and it's a blank that basically scares the shit out of you. Smallpox, on the other hand, either kills you or leaves some pretty nasty scars and a deep distrust of the white folks bearing "gifts."

The bottom line epidemiologically speaking (and I am pretty sure the CDC will back me up on this) is that you shouldn't fuck someone just because they have a sexy foreign accent and an uncanny knack for dropping sick techno beats. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "What is even the good of SXSW if it doesn't load up my Tinder search with fresh, albeit dentally challenged, faces?" All I can say is this: In a perfect world, a satisfying cultural exchange should involve more than seminal fluids. If that makes your SXSW into SGSW, so be it. Plus you have the added bonus of not getting sued for trademark infringement.

Oh, and don't start getting the idea that the Luv Doc is advocating abstinence – far from it. Feel free to cultural exchange the brains out of every European you can get your thoroughly scrubbed hands on, just know that good or bad, cultural exchange always has consequences. Remember the ska band bubble in the Nineties? If that wasn't an unwanted pregnancy, I don't know what is. Anyway, the point is: Chin up, wash your damn hands, and don't go Frenching a bunch of Euros. A few probably wouldn't kill you though.

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, check out the Luv Doc Archive, and subscribe to the Luv Doc Newsletter.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: That Elusive Global Pandemic Silver Lining
The Luv Doc: That Elusive Global Pandemic Silver Lining
A lot of nice things are going to come from this extended period of isolation

The Luv Doc, April 3, 2020

The Luv Doc: Cabin Fever
The Luv Doc: Cabin Fever
Maybe we should backpedal a bit from the materialism-will-save-us rhetoric

The Luv Doc, March 27, 2020

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle