Luv Doc: Engaged to a White Liar
Wherein the Luv Doc expounds on what's hot in wedding table linens
Dear Luv Doc,
Me and my girlfriend just got back from a long Thanksgiving weekend in Dallas with her family. It was an even longer ride home, because while we were there I found out that she told her mom that we are engaged. We are not. She said she just wanted to get her mom off her back, but I am still a little freaked out. Why does she even care what her mom thinks? She is in her late 20s and hasn't lived with her parents since she left for college. Am I wrong to be mad that she lied to her parents about our relationship? Even if it was just to get her mom off her back?
– Under the Bus
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials! You are truly in the driver's seat now. You could have blown the whole thing up by losing your shit when the unexpected news got dropped, but it sounds like you kept your mouth shut and played along. Well done, sir! You now have both the moral high ground and a huge amount of leverage with your girlfriend.
You know what's really hot this year in wedding table linens? Camo. I know. It is hard to believe, but up there on the moral high ground, it's a fucking orgy of camo ... if you want it to be. Who knew? Also, if you always thought it would be cool to have Insane Clown Posse play your wedding reception, you're in luck! Faygo for errybuddy! Please note that I have no idea what it would cost to have ICP play a wedding reception, but I think, given your situation, they shouldn't be off the table – at the very least an ICP tribute band. I mean ... I'm not sure anyone – including hardcore ICP fans – would be able to tell the difference.
Then again, maybe you're not itching to get hitched. That's understandable. There are probably plenty of wonderful women out there who don't lie to their mothers, but what kind of leverage will you have with them? Will you be able to convince them it's a good idea to leave the reception on dirt bikes instead of in an expensive white limo? I am betting that's a hard no. Suddenly all those honest women aren't looking so wonderful, are they? They damn sure aren't making their bridesmaids wear Daisy Dukes and halter tops either.
So here's my take ... if you haven't caught on just yet. Yes, your girlfriend committed a pretty serious party foul and you have a right to be angry, but being angry isn't good for much other than nailing an audition for a role Al Pacino is finally too old to play. I think you can let this one slide. If you're not planning on marrying your girlfriend anytime soon, just tell her to lie to her mom about the wedding date. April 2036 is probably looking wide open about now. If you break up with her before then, yes, your girlfriend's mom is going to think you're an even bigger asshole, but she was going to think you're an asshole anyway, right? And besides, you'll still have that moral high ground.