The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
Tornadoes are a dime a dozen in Oklahoma
Dear Luv Doc,
My boyfriend likes to have sex that goes on for a long time. At first, I liked all of the attention. But over time it has gotten to be ... boring is the best way I can describe it. I've tried to get him to do a quickie but he says that doesn't make him feel intimate. He says I should feel lucky that he puts my needs first and that our sometimes hour-long sex sessions are normal and healthy. I am not so sure about that as they are sometimes uncomfortable for me and like I said, boring. Even still, I feel ungrateful. Am I wrong to want sex to sometimes be fast and furious?
In the words of comedienne Rita Rudner, "I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." Granted, she was talking about childbirth, but I think the general gist is the same. Personally, I would knock that down to about two hours. Maybe we've been trained by our heartless creator into the belief that all ecstasy must be temporary, but really, without peaks and valleys, you pretty much live in ... Kansas. As The Wizard of Oz proved conclusively, the most exciting thing that happens in Kansas is a tornado, and those are a dime a dozen in Oklahoma – plus they have medical marijuana, casino gambling, and respectable trashcan meth. I have a similar problem with the concept of heaven. Bliss sounds awesome for a hot minute or two, but when it's eternal, it just sounds like tedium. "Hey Almighty! Mind if I just pop down to hell for a sec and see if there's a tornado or something?"
As for the duration of sex, my bet is that anyone who says hour-long sex is normal needs to slide out of their heart-shaped waterbed and go out into the real world. According to the most recent scientific study on the duration of sex between couples, the average time of intercourse is just over five minutes. Now, I will freely concede that's nothing to brag about, and most likely the bulk of that sex was penis-centric to be very generous, but it might give you a better sense of where normal is ... and it's not in Kansas. More like Rhode Island.
More importantly, sex isn't about what every-fucking-body else does or likes; it's about what you do and like. And it's totally OK if occasionally ... or regularly ... you want to wrap it up quickly – and by quickly, I obviously mean in less than five minutes. You don't want to leave your Uber driver hanging. So, no matter how knowledgeable your boyfriend may be on the benefits of tantric sex and its positive effect on intimacy and intensity, you still get to like what you like and want what you want, and if that means a flash-bang on the kitchen counter, he should do his best to be your short-order chef. Remember: Without compromise, it isn't a relationship. It's a dictatorship, and that's a ship you don't want to sail on.