The Luv Doc: Pineapple Pizza
A big ol’ meaty, cheesy, greasy gastronomical death trap
Dear Luv Doc,
I just found out my boyfriend of six months likes pineapple on his pizza. I don't know how this never came up before. I swear he has no other food perversions – at least, none of which I am aware. He likes cheeseburgers ... and barbecue ... and enchiladas and other normal foods, but this is something entirely different. Should I hold off on introducing him to my parents?
– Pepperoni, Hold the Pineapple
Let me get this straight: You went out with this dude for six months and never ordered a pizza together? Wow. That has to be some kind of record, especially if you have been eating cheeseburgers, barbecue, and enchiladas, which are pretty much gateway foods for pizza. Really, in terms of vascular health, eating a pizza is like injecting your arteries with bacon grease. (Psssst: That's super unhealthy.)
If you're going to risk a massive heart attack – or even worse, a stroke – you might as well swing for the fences. Just load that baby up with all kinds of processed meats and fatty cheeses and pray that one day your heart will just fucking explode and kill you instantly. Ideally while you're under the influence of some heavy narcotics, because a heart explosion has to be excruciatingly painful for at least a few hot seconds. Besides, I bet the Almighty respects a ludicrously ambitious prayer – or at least appreciates a good chuckle.
In any case, why ruin a big ol' meaty, cheesy, greasy gastronomical death trap with something healthy like a pineapple? That just don't make no damn sense. You think Jesus is up there checking pizza ingredients and thinking, "Oh, wait, he was trying to eat at least little bit healthy. Look! He added pineapple! Maybe we should only give him a mini stroke!" To which I am fairly certain God would reply, "Pineapple?!?!? I only created that fruit so sexual deviants would have a decent safe word!" To which Jesus would reply, "Then why did you make them so delicious?!?!?"
Look, I don't have enough column space to dive into a whole theological exploration/qualitative analysis of pineapples and pizza. Suffice it to say that pizza is generally delicious enough that millions of Americans choose to slowly kill themselves by eating it. Pineapples are both funky and delicious and, according to the Almighty I imagine, a good safe word. However, the twain should never meet outside the isle of Hawaii, where death is always imminent and they're up to their asses in pineapples.
Here on the mainland, that dog won't hunt. If I were you, I would hold off on introducing this dude to your parents until you know for certain he doesn't have any other sick perversions he's hiding – like putting anchovies in his piña colada. Better safe than sorry.