Dear Luv Doc,
My sister is getting married in the fall to a guy she met at work (they no longer work together) and she seems to really love this guy. I get along with him just fine, but he has always seemed a little bit metro to me. A few weeks ago, I was talking with a woman friend at a party, and after I introduced her to my sister and her fiancé, she said she used to go to the same small college with my sister's fiancé and there were rumors that he was gay. I pressed her on it and she said that she didn't have any evidence, just that there were rumors. I don't want my sister to end up in an unhappy marriage or with a guy who is going to decide he is gay at some point and abandon her. What should I do? Should I tell her, or stay quiet and hope for the best?
I once worked for a company that had a warehouse manager who would make Jack McFarland from Will & Grace seem like Tommy Lee Jones. All the guys in the warehouse used to bust his chops about being secretly gay, and he would fire right back with an equally witty/acerbic riposte about engaging in some form of sexual depravity with their mothers. He was universally loved and respected in that company and, in fact, regularly hosted parties for the warehouse staff and their families. Last I heard about him, he had been married 20 years and had sired five children.
Was he actually gay? Who knows? And really, who fucking cares? All the jokes the guys in the warehouse were making about him were about their insecurities, not his. Apparently, he was going home from work every night and breeding like a goddamned rabbit. I seriously doubt he was in the angsty throes of a sexual identity crisis for 20 years, but he might have been. And if he was, it's none of my damn business. Being gay or straight isn't like buying a chill-ass hat – it's not a decision, and no one has to know.
Point is, some people don't line up with stereotypes. Thank fucking God. Or rather, thank our cold, ambivalent, and utterly uncaring universe! Imagine if your sister's dating pool only consisted of dudes like Brett Kavanaugh? Just, ew. Not even boofing could make that guy seem interesting, but perhaps I'm missing something. Maybe he's really good at Jenga ... or autoerotic asphyxiation ... or quoting lines from Monty Python movies in a horrible British accent. Let's hope we never find out.
So your sister's husband-to-be might be a bit queer (and I mean that in the "unconventional" sense), but that doesn't mean he isn't absolutely perfect for your sister. Maybe he is exactly the type of man she's always dreamed about. Or, maybe he's damned close but has a few idiosyncrasies. In truth, that's probably as good as most people get, anyway. That said, if you're really puzzled as to why she wants to marry him, go ahead and ask her. I feel certain she can tell you, and perhaps put your mind at ease. If she can't, well, you've done her a wonderful service then, haven't you?
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