Luv Doc: The Fur Garden
What could be more masculine than crawling out of a dumpster?
Dear Luv Doc,
I was so excited last November when my husband decided to grow a beard for the first time. I had always wondered how handsome he would look with facial hair. In my mind, I pictured a full beard – something trimmed and well-kept – so initially I encouraged him to go for it, and he did. Now, seven months later, his head and neck are a hairy, furry mess. Instead of growing a G.I. Joe/Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World beard like I had imagined, he has grown a scruffy, splotchy, uneven, nose-to-chest fur garden that makes him look more like a diseased possum than the strikingly good-looking man I married. I have tried to talk him into shaving it, but he won't budge. He says he likes not shaving, and it makes him feel more masculine. The truth of the matter is that it makes him look like he just crawled out of a dumpster. How do I gently but firmly let him know that maybe facial hair is not his thing?
OK, Zippy, you might need to stand down a bit here. What could be more masculine than crawling out of a dumpster? Maybe crawling out of a dumpster full of broken, jagged whiskey bottles with a mountain lion in a headlock wearing a coonskin cap. I know that sounds crazy, but ideally the mountain lion got in the dumpster to hunt raccoons, aka "trash pandas." And no, it isn't the smartest mountain lion.
As cute as they may seem, trash pandas (once again, I am talking about raccoons here) are basically honey badgers who have figured out how to game the system. They watched that video of their ferocious cousin's death match with a mole snake and said, "Fuck that shit. I am going to go jump in that dumpster and see if I can find some pizza rinds coated in cigarette ashes and Skoal spit, because I ain't about getting bit in the ass by a goddamned mole snake."
See, here's the thing: When the mountain lion jumps in the dumpster, he thinks he's going to throw an ass-whuppin' on the honey badger's soft, puffy, citified cousins, but what he doesn't know is that trash pandas are still gangsta as shit. Don't believe it? Catch a raccoon in a Havahart trap and see if you want to let that motherfucker out. You'll be calling 311 for Animal Control in an embarrassingly high soprano. And that's what makes the mountain lion a little bit stupid. He doesn't know enough not to fuck with trash pandas. So basically what I am saying is that crawling out of a dumpster is in no way emasculating, though your husband probably wouldn't want to include that pic in his Tinder profile.
Let's just agree that your husband is getting laid way too often for someone who looks like he just crawled out of a dumpster. You know how to fix that, but that's risky business. Some people actually like the diseased varmint look! Instead of leading by example, I suggest you follow his example and completely let yourself go. Give yourself a nice, long, seven-month break from feeling like you have to look and smell presentable. Find a way to get food caught in whatever body hair you're cultivating. Let your eyebrows fill in Frida Kahlo-style. Throw away your leg razor – or better yet, let it get rusty on the side of the tub. Most importantly, whenever he gives you shit about your furriness, tell him you like not shaving and that it makes you feel more feminine. Call me in a year if this doesn't work out. I know a good aesthetician.