The Luv Doc: Two Spaces
Secretly hoping it’s a 1988 Ford Escort with a whale fin spoiler
Dear Luv Doc,
I am ashamed to admit this, and I don't know how I didn't find this out sooner, but my boyfriend is one of those people who parks his car across two spaces so his paint won't get scratched. The first time he tried to do that when I was with him, we got in a big argument and I almost walked home. He says it's OK unless the parking lot is totally full. I say it's selfish and inconsiderate no matter how many open spaces there are. How can I train him out of this?
– Two Spaces
Well goddamn, you reeled yourself in a winner, didn't you? I have so many questions that I'm finding it difficult to come up with a suitable answer. Like, where did you meet this guy? Does he sleep at night? How? Of course, that's assuming you sleep with him. The biggest question is: What kind of car does he drive?
I'm kind of secretly hoping it's a 1988 Ford Escort with a whale fin spoiler, because that would probably mean your boyfriend has a Kentucky Waterfall mullet, some Beauregard sideburns, and a sweet muff duster to go with his acid-washed jeans and his sleeveless Twisted Sister T-shirt. Unfortunately, I am enough of a pragmatist to know that the chances of something magnificent like that coming together in the Austin of 2019 are exceedingly low.
Best-case scenario is that you met this fellow on a Sunday evening in a parking lot off Nash Hernandez, but I think it's far more likely you hooked up at some bar on Rock Rose and you were too shitfaced to notice the BVR-BSTR vanity plate on his Ferrari. Next thing you know, you're making him pancakes and pretending to be interested in blockchain platforms and the Golden State Warriors.
I think we both know you're better than this. You got swept up in the moment and lost your moral compass somewhere in the luxurious folds of his Corinthian leather bucket seats. You know: the ones with the built-in butt warmers? Now you're trying desperately to pretend this fellow has a third dimension or perhaps an actual beating heart.
I don't want to be too negative here. I really do believe people can change, and if you're willing to take on the task of restoring his fundamental decency, that would be a saintly thing to do. Most people would drop him like a hot potato even if he drove a Lambo. So, I wish you well. Maybe someday you can turn him into a paragon of compassion and empathy, but until then, never agree to let him take you on a cruise. You don't want to have to fight him for space on a lifeboat.