Luv Doc: A Hick Barney

Is President Trump's brain the same size as that of a stegosaurus?

Luv Doc: A Hick Barney

Dear Luv Doc,

My girl likes to tease me by doing imitations of me. I thought it was cute when we first started dating, but now she does it all the time and around our friends, too. They think it's hilarious and egg her on, but it's getting annoying to me. How do I tell her to stop without sounding like a crybaby? The sad thing is that she's not even that good at it. She makes me sound like a hick Barney the Dinosaur.

– Jeff B.

First of all, no matter how sophisticated Barney may seem, he's still a dinosaur. I will admit that his emotional IQ is totally off the charts, but I suspect that's just wishful thinking. People tend to attribute sweetness to the simple-minded, but that isn't always the case. Take President Trump, for instance. I would bet that his brain is about the same size as the brain of a stegosaurus.

I am fairly certain Trump would be flattered by the comparison. After all, the average stegosaurus weighed in at about 3 tons, and although that ponderous weight might conjure an image of the president in golf attire, Trump is actually much smaller. His brain, however, like that of the stegosaurus, is about the size of a walnut.

Mentally, I would have to give the stegosaurus the edge because at least it had the sense to adhere to a strictly vegetarian diet. My guess is that they were pretty chill because their colons weren't clogged up with cheeseburgers, french fries, and chicken nuggets. Scientific studies have shown that people with chronic constipation are more likely to suffer anxiety and depression. Just keep that in mind the next time you're queuing up at the In-N-Out Burger. Half of that name is just wishful thinking.

So, to get back on topic, it seems reasonable to me that Barney, being small-minded, could be accurately portrayed as a hick. A high-pitched, Gilbert Gottfried-like, urban accent would seem out of place. Dinosaurs, even in the most crowded conditions, were pretty much pastoral in nature. They literally had hayseeds in their poop, and you know what they say: You are what you eat.

As for your girlfriend's penchant for impersonation, she can't be all that bad – especially if your friends find it amusing. You might want to ask yourself why you no longer find it amusing. If you feel it's mean-spirited, that's one thing, but maybe the juxtaposition of her playing you is as much a tribute as it is an indictment. That said, she needs to know how you truly feel, and you need to be vulnerable enough to share why you feel that way. First, though, really give some thought to why you now find her impersonations annoying. There is something there for sure.

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