The Luv Doc’s Holiday Gift Guide
What you need is enough morphine to send you sweetly into that good night
I know. I know. You're probably thinking: What happened to the advice column? Ease up, worrywart. This is an advice column. I am going to advise you on what to get friends and loved ones for the holidays – gifts of both style and substance, obviously. Shit people can use.
I am not usually known for negativity, but trust me when I say that in the coming dangerous clown apocalypse, you don't need to be fucking around with gas generators, concrete bunkers, or huge stockpiles of automatic weapons. What you need is enough morphine to send you sweetly into that good night. Be it the result of a stray piece of shrapnel, a vicious case of MRSA, or even a rabid werewolf bite, you're going to want a quick, painless way to check out. Yes, this will be a tough get for Santa, but he was getting fat anyway, wasn't he?
Before you get all churchy on me about my first two items being drugs, let me just say that they're also stocking stuffers, so you won't be cluttering up someone's life with bulky, useless shit. Also, since THC/CBD in all the cool states is legal, they have been making some really good shit. I recommend Awakening Mints. They come in a little plastic Tic-Tac-like container, and each mint is only 5mg of THC with a little caffeine for zest! There's a 45-minute delay time, so it's like waiting for a table at Home Slice; but that's not keeping you from going to Home Slice, is it? Available by mail if you're sneaky.
3) Gran Centenario Reposado Tequila – aka "Bald Eagle Tears"
This wonderful, life-changing tequila is criminally low-priced (currently about $25 at Spec's or Twin) and is great neat or mixed in the ultimate Texas cocktail, the Ranch Water, which consists of tequila, soda, and lime to taste. Unlike the Manning brothers and the American electorate, Bald Eagle Tears has never let me down. Tastes like: FREEDOM.
4) Electric Skateboard
The future is here, motherfuckers, so put on your chin straps. All those punks zipping around on Limes and Birds are just the beginning. Will there be some attrition/collateral damage? You betcha. Darwinism is equally applicable to people riding al fresco on small-wheeled conveyances that can go zero to 30 quicker than you can shit your underwear, but here's the deal: These things are fucking awesome. Scary awesome. And there are several models that cost less than a nice dinner at Uchiko.
As predicted, technology is outpacing our ability to live in peace and harmony. Next time you're at some state park and your blissful night's sleep is being ruined by some whiny-voiced, fingerpicking Dylan wannabe the next campsite over, pop in a couple of Awakening Mints, pour yourself a Ranch Water, and open the throttle on one of these monsters. I recommend Tom Petty's classic "Refugee," because it will let everyone in the campground know that you know great production value and might also be holding meth.