Luv Doc: A Johnny Appleseed of Negativity

Dear Luv Doc,

A few years ago, I ended a three-year relationship with my college boyfriend when I found out he had been sleeping with one of my friends. They are still together and still peripherally in my group of friends. I could live with this, except my friends keep inviting him (and his girlfriend) to social events that I am invited to. Awkward is not even the word. The worst offender is my best friend/roommate. Every time she has a party or hosts some sort of event, they always seem to be on the guest list. I have mentioned this to her and she says that it would be weird not to invite him because they are friends with everyone else and it would be too obvious that I had something to do with it. I had to stop talking to her about it because it made me so mad. I know it has been a while but I can't believe everyone is acting as if nothing happened! Am I wrong, or do I need to get some new friends?

– Too Much to Ask?

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First of all, that does indeed sound like a really awkward situation, and I can understand why you might be incredulous that your friends feel more awkward not inviting your ex than they do about not hurting your feelings. That said – and this may take quite a long while to play out – they are actually doing you a favor.

While most people might like to believe that they are introspective and self-aware, in reality, their sense of self is rarely challenged to any effective degree. We cruise along day to day, comfortable that we have put in the work necessary to be the absolute best version of ourselves. Of course, that is a ridiculous lie, but it's highly impolitic – OK, downright dickish – for other people to challenge that assumption, so it rarely gets done.

Now, at the risk of sounding like Tony Robbins or some other smarmy self-help guru, I am going to suggest that you stop thinking of your ex-boyfriend's infidelity as a colossal fuck-over, but rather as a precious learning experience. Most people only get a few earth-shattering reality checks in their lifetimes, so – and I mean this in all honesty – it's a shame to waste them by nurturing bitterness and resentment.

I'm not saying that a little B&R isn't natural; maybe it's even healthy in the short term, but over the long haul it just makes you an ugly person. You don't want to be a Johnny Appleseed of negativity. Ideally, you want to be a Johnny Appleseed of apples. After all, who doesn't love apples? Right? First, however, you're going to have to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of yourself. What was your part – if any – in what went wrong? And what might you have done to address it? Maybe it was simply recognizing that your ex wasn't right for you in the first place.

My guess is that your ex isn't a horrible person. Otherwise, your friends wouldn't keep inviting him to parties. Maybe he's a decent enough guy, but obviously not right for you. Regardless, do yourself a favor and find a way to forgive him. In doing so, I feel certain that you will become an even better version of the person you believe yourself to be.