Luv Doc: An Octogenarian Don Draper
Why is the Luv Doc looking at 60-year-old penises?
Dear Luv Doc,
How do I get my grandpa to realize he is acting like a creep? Seriously. I know my grandpa to be a caring and flattering man with a healthy sense of humor. The problem is I'm concerned others think of him as creepy and flirtatious with an unhealthy sense of privilege (and sometimes they're right). Imagine an octogenarian Don Draper. Last week he asked our waitress at a restaurant if she wanted "to neck." Of course he was joking, but he honestly thought he made the woman's day. It was obvious to me, though, that she was both disgusted and annoyed. How do I convince him that there is another, more appropriate way to make someone smile? – GranDraper
You should tell your grandfather that the chances of that waitress having an octogenarian neck fetish are ridiculously tiny. Father Time is a merciless redecorator. I have seen uncircumcised 60-year-old penises that look better than an octogenarian neck. I imagine that about now you're probably wondering, "Why is the Luv Doc looking at 60-year-old penises?" Valid question. Let me just say this: There are certain elderly gentlemen at my gym who have an unsettling amount of body confidence – especially given the number of liver spots they've accrued, some of which they should probably have checked. It's entirely possible that these chaps do not have the financial means to enlist the services of a licensed dermatologist – health care is probably pricey for someone who dresses himself out of a dirt-stained knapsack that seems to have been unearthed from the bottom of a dumpster – but it's also entirely possible that these fellows don't spend a lot of time thinking about skin care or the frightening length of their scrotal tissue.
Chances are, they're just like me: walking around looking out at the world through the eyes of the physically fit young man they used to be when they were at the top of their game – sort of like a vampire, but in reverse. Vampires actually look good on the outside. They may be a couple thousand years old, but their neck skin is smooth as a baby's ass. The torturous boredom of that accrued wisdom must be exquisite – especially if you have a taste for the blood of virgins. Can you imaging being as old as Methuselah and chatting with some 18-year-old about the number of likes on her Instagram?
The reverse vampire on the other hand, still thinks he's 22 years old and rocking six-pack abs, but he's staring out through the rheumy, cataract eyes of a man too old to get an erection without pharmaceutical assistance. Nonetheless, his flirt game was crazy strong back before birth control, feminism, and #metoo, and he isn't going to let a few decades of social progress get between him and a completely unearned male privilege swagger, so he interprets the blushes and awkward giggles as old-school coquetry and continues on with clumsy innuendo if not outright lechery. Anything short of indignant anger or physical assault will not slow his roll. This dame just hasn't yet figured out that he is the bee's knees, bless her heart.
I can shamefully admit to being that dude though perhaps to a lesser degree, and the depressing self-realization that what you imagined to be "sick macking skillz" were actually only a mild form of sexual harassment is a hard pill to swallow, but even old men have to evolve. The good news is that among the things that make an incredibly charming old man is an open mind, a sense of humility, and a deep gratitude for being included in whatever the young people are cooking up. If you let Grandpa know that he needs to play nice or he won't get to play at all, my guess is that he'll come around.