The Luv Doc: A Black Lexus

Racing to close the gates of hell

The Luv Doc: A Black Lexus

Dear Luv Doc,

I truly love my girlfriend. She's smart, funny, fun to be with, and always up for just about anything. We have been dating for more than a year and lately have been considering moving in together because her lease is about to be up. I only have one reservation about her, and it worries me. Although she is very nice to me most of the time (we do occasionally get into arguments) and she is generally nice to her friends and her family, she is rude to other people – particularly to people in the service industry. If our waiter messes up our order or if the cleaners make a mistake, she gets really stern and abusive with them – even for relatively minor things. She says that she used to be a waitress and that bad service shouldn't be rewarded, but bad service or not, her responses seem too extreme. I am worried that if she moves in, then some of that pent-up anger might get taken out on me. What do you think? Is her rude behavior a bad sign? How do I stop the madness?

– One Reservation

You're right to worry. She sounds like a psychopath who will someday murder you in your sleep for leaving your toenail clippings in the sink. Actually, wait. I'm pretty sure that is justifiable homicide ... that and leaving pubic hairs on the soap. Really, anything that comes off of or out of your body should go immediately and noiselessly into an appropriate receptacle – and I highly recommend that you discuss in advance the appropriateness of various receptacles before moving in together, otherwise you might feel the clang of a cast-iron skillet against your head in the middle of the night. That is the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is when you hear nothing. Thing is, crazy people don't sleep. They just lie in bed glaring at you with those big, wide saucer eyes until you drift off into a blissful slumber. Lights out and then it's really lights out. You never know what hit you. Sometimes the coroner doesn't even know what hit you.

I know it seems like I'm being a bit hyperbolic here, but you did say she treats service people poorly, which means she probably also kicks puppies when people aren't looking, parks diagonally in handicapped zones, prank calls cancer patients, and voted for Donald Trump. I am not trying to say that all of those things makes someone a horrible person. I am saying any one of those things makes someone a horrible person. Bonus points if they drive a black Lexus.

No, I don't have any hard data to back up that assertion, just an overwhelming amount of anecdotal evidence. Right now there is a black Lexus making a left turn from the far right lane across four lanes of heavy traffic. I don't know where those people in those black Lexi have to be, but my guess is that they're always racing to close the gates of hell. There is no other plausible explanation.

I don't know if your girlfriend drives a black Lexus, but if she does you should break up with her immediately or someday you will come home and find her violently shaking your baby. You don't need that kind of crazy. If she doesn't own a black Lexus, there may still be hope for her, but you'll need to risk her ire by trying to talk to her and understand why she treats low-paid employees and strangers so badly. "I was a waitress" is not a sufficient reason for being a horrible person. That is reserved exclusively for lawyers, televangelists, and Alex Jones. So drill all the way to the bottom of this issue before you let her cross your threshold. The pain you suffer now may save your soul down the line.

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