The Luv Doc: Cat Corpses in Your Rearview
Keep your head on a swivel
Dear Luv Doc,
All in all I can't complain about my life. I have a job I like, a cute house that I am slowly paying off. I take regular vacations to interesting places, and I volunteer with several local organizations. I have good friends that I truly cherish and my parents and sister are close by and I see them regularly. The one thing missing is that at the age of 35 I am still single. The last serious relationship I had was four years ago and I am worried my chances of finding a husband and having children might have passed me by. Most of my friends are now paired up and have children, and I want the same for myself, but I feel the opportunities are dwindling. I tried online dating for a while, but most of the men I met were dreadful. Everyone just seems to be looking for a quick hookup, and I don't have the patience. So what should I do? Has my ship sailed? Do I need to start collecting cats?
– Left on the Dock
Feel free to start collecting cats if that's your bliss, but there is a lady one street over from me who collects cats and it doesn't seem to be doing much for her love life – at least not with humans. I am pretty sure she could support a rapacious coke addiction on what she spends on dry cat food alone, and the short glimpses I've caught of the inside of her house make me think it looks something like the Upside Down – just darkness and eerily illuminated cat dander floating through the air. I know this because I slow down every time I pass her house. No, it's not prurient voyeurism, it's because I have to slow down for the biological minefield of cats lying in the street in front of her house. Normally I would just barrel through there like a bat out of hell – the way I do on most residential streets, but I fear those cats are too stuffed on bottomless cat food to make an agile escape, so I troll through there slow – like I'm dropping trotlines out of a johnboat.
What I see while I am waiting for those bloated felines to lumber out of the way is enough to tell me that owning a bunch of cats isn't a whole lot different from marrying Jesus. It takes a substantial amount of commitment and you don't want a baby by either of them. The advantage to marrying Jesus, I guess, is that He is less likely to feed off your corpse once the bottomless cat food dries up – although textually you could make a strong case for zombie Jesus, so it's best to just not skate out on that ice at all.
All that said, congratulations on what sounds like a wonderful life. Well done! Or rather, well doing! Look, not everybody is in the meat of the bell curve, or it wouldn't be a curve. It sounds like you have done and are doing some really wonderful things and living a fulfilling life. In the course of living that life you are bound to occasionally meet similarly active, productive, and charitable people. Just keep your head on a swivel. Age 35 is far from over the hill, but if you really want to throw your hat in the babymaking ring, you will need to start artificially increasing your odds, and the best way to do that is probably going to be with some sort of online dating site. There are plenty of sites to choose from, so do some experimenting and find the one (or 20) that best fit your mindset.
More importantly however, examine seriously what you feel a husband and a brood of ankle biters will do for your overall happiness and fulfillment. Are you unconsciously trying to live up to what you feel are social norms, or do you get giddy at the thought of changing a blowout diaper at four in the morning or staying up all night working on a second-grader's science fair project? Life is about hard choices. You make them and you try not to look back – if only because you fear there might be cat corpses in your rearview. Whatever you decide, put the pedal to the metal.