The Luv Doc: Top 10 Needlessly Long Sentences

Jan. 6, 2017: Sure, we like to piss and moan about sex workers (who will do both for a price) and dubious, dangerous drug dealers (I'm looking at you, Pfizer), but the most deplorable aspects of human behavior stare us in the face every day like a prolapsed rectum on a Google image search gone horribly wrong.

Jan. 20, 2017: There are also those pheromonal sibling avoidance olfactory cues that, with the exception of European royalty, a few remote hollers in Appalachia and the Ozarks, and the entire Emerald Isle, seem to be reasonably effective at keeping people from banging their immediate kin.

Feb. 24, 2017: I can state with absolute certainty that I am regularly told that I am annoying [Ed. note: True.] – not just when I am audibly humming "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in the checkout line at the grocery store or when I get drunk and start proselytizing about the superiority of Billy Jack, or when I go on a rant about the inferiority of coffee as a beverage (It's fucking bitter. End of story.), but just at least once a week about something relatively minor like changing the channel every time a Beatles song comes on.

March 31, 2017: It might interest you to know that there are a variety of other types of forks that can augment the traditional place setting – 13 in all – and that contrary to popular belief, the salad fork is only the sixth-longest fork, being smaller than the dinner, fish, lunch, lobster, and fruit forks, respectively.

May 26, 2017: Finding a smelly, rotting, varmint corpse in some remote corner of the backyard and rolling around in it until I smell like the Grim Reaper's vomit and then running inside, jumping on the couch, and licking my owner's face.

July 7, 2017: OK, maybe the Tarrytown Texaco, but I don't even know that for sure because every time I try to drive into Tarrytown, some blond lady in a Lexus gives me the stink-eye and a few minutes later I'm getting pulled over for having too much dirt on my license plate.

Oct. 13, 2017: However, the thing that keeps us from waking up some morning and fellating the business end of a shotgun is our ability to get fired up about really inane shit like ultimate Frisbee, or macramé, or restoring vintage motorcycles – all seemingly meaningless shit in a larger existential sense but they're absolutely crucial to our survival.

Nov. 10, 2017: We are absolutely insane for continuing to elect crooked, spineless, small-minded simpletons like Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who said shortly after the shooting that American churches should start "arming some of the parishioners" and former Texas Attorney General turned idiot Governor Greg Abbott, who recently tweeted that he was embarrassed that Texas was "#2 in the nation in new gun sales behind California" and encouraged Texans to "pick up the pace."

Dec. 1, 2017: Clearly she has a lot of confidence in whatever is coming out of her ass, and if so, bully for her, but in my humble opinion, bad experiences are cumulative, like a jar of farts, so for the health of any relationship, it's best to drop the deuce with the door closed and the vent fan on.

Dec. 22, 2017: I think that if Mary knew that giving birth to Jesus in a manger meant that a couple thousand years later people would end up staying in run-down Super 8s off the interstate to avoid fighting with their in-laws, she would have outed the Almighty as a rapist just like Harvey Weinstein.

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, check out the Luv Doc Archive, and subscribe to the Luv Doc Newsletter.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for over 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

More The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Dark Days
The Luv Doc: Dark Days
A full glass of water? Who has time for that?

The Luv Doc, Dec. 8, 2023

The Luv Doc: She Goes Even Offer
The Luv Doc: She Goes Even Offer
All anyone remembers is the sad trombone

The Luv Doc, Dec. 1, 2023


Dan Hardick

One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Keep up with happenings around town

Kevin Curtin's bimonthly cannabis musings

Austin's queerest news and events

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle