The Luv Doc: Mr. Nice Guy

Dear Luv Doc,

Why is it that women always say they want nice guys but end up dating jerks? I have lots of women friends who won't give me the time of day, romantically speaking. They always complain to me about their asshole boyfriends and say they are sick of them, and how they wish they could find a nice, sweet guy like me, but apparently that guy is not me. Where can I find a woman who practices what she preaches?

– Sweet T

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First of all, if your name really is Sweet T, I don't know how you aren't getting laid 24/7. Sweet T sounds like the name of the lead singer of a boy band – or maybe someone who has a car with hydraulics and an airbrush paint job – or an Irish boxer with fake front teeth and sleeve tattoos. I think it's safe to say that at this very moment some guy named Sweet T is smoking a postcoital cigarette and wondering what it's like to not be constantly exhausted from vigorous lovemaking. What does this tell us then? It tells us that your name really isn't Sweet T ... or ... that you have terrible game. I mean like Cherokee Parks terrible. Ryan Leaf terrible. Charlie Brown terrible. Lucy just snatched away the football because your game is so terrible.

And, as long as I am shitting all over your delusions, let me throw another log on that fire: Women do date nice guys. All the fucking time. Every damn day. What women don't date are sycophantic, falsely chivalrous, overly accommodating, passive-aggressive guys with poorly hidden agendas. Guys who hold the door open for the "pretty ladies" but let it slam in everyone else's face. Guys who think the world owes them a sex slave because they hold a job, own a house/car/sailboat, like dogs/babies/macramé, and go to church every Sunday. Chandler Bing motherfuckers who are so afraid of failure that they never make the first move – or when they finally do make the first move, their intended has long grown tired of their spinelessness and started dating a meth dealer or a rabbi or another woman.

Sorry dude, but the nice-guy bullshit is just a cop-out – a way of letting yourself off the hook for making improvements in other areas. If you think women are dating assholes just because they like assholes, you're not paying attention. I will freely admit I am often puzzled by some women's choice of mates, but usually – not always, usually – when I investigate a little further, I find that the guys I consider assholes have some – even many – redeeming qualities. Pay attention, they might be hard to spot because they might not be qualities you currently possess. The next time one of your female friends starts complaining about her asshole boyfriend/husband, ask her what she considers to be his good qualities. I'm sure she will oblige and you'll find it educational.