The Luv Doc: Marriage Material

A guy who has never witnessed the "miracle of birth"

The Luv Doc: Marriage Material

Dear Luv Doc,

I am a 31-year-old male who recently moved to Austin from the Midwest. I have been going on dates with women in the Austin area for several months now and I have found one disturbingly common trait – none of them are looking for a long-term relationship/marriage or children. They just want to "hang out." What seems crazy to me is that these are not young women. They are in their mid-to-late 20s and some are even in their 30s. When do they plan to have kids? In their 40s? What is it with Austin women?

Marriage Material


Damn MM, all I can say is that you sound like a guy who has never witnessed the "miracle of birth." Let me give you an assist. Real childbirth looks like the horse head scene from The Godfather if it was filmed inside a woman's vagina and the horse head – instead of being inanimate, peaceful, and benign – is a kicking, screaming succubus who will obliterate any chance a woman might have for a normal life for the next 18 or so years. And by the way, that's the kindest description I could summon. Really it's closer to the chainsaw shower scene from Scarface – ideally the unrated director's cut.

I have never woken up with a severed horse head in my bed, but I have felt the shock and terror of Jack Woltz several times, and I am here to tell you that any woman who doesn't have serious and grave reservations about childbirth is a danger to herself, her inseminator, and society as a whole. Thoughtlessly submitting yourself to that kind of carnage is, at the very least, a mild type of mental disorder. Therefore, you should measure your words very carefully when talking about "having kids" with someone you haven't even seen naked ... or helped bury a corpse. Despite all the cute pastel colors and all the cooing and ahhhing, childbirth is some really heavy, snuff-film type of shit.

Yes, I get it. I know there is nothing particularly special about childbirth. After all, billions of women do it the world over, but something tells me that a lot of them didn't get the full story, only the promotional pamphlet. Austin women, on the other hand, are maddeningly well informed. Not only have they read the pamphlet, they've read the pamph. They know that no matter how much I wish that a pamph is an actual thing, it isn't. They've read The Joy of Sex and Our Bodies, Ourselves – they've even seen The Godfather and the director's cut of Scarface.

You come at an Austin woman with a bunch of wild talk about marriage and babies and whatnot and you're going to get the Heisman stiff arm every single time. "Hey Johnny Appleseed, how about we have a few margs, maybe hike the greenbelt, and see if we can survive the mosh pit at Beerland before you suggest I split my taint like a hot burrito so you can have a mini-me?" That would be my response at least, but then again, I've never been to Toledo.

You might also want to wrap your head around the idea that some women simply don't want to have anything to do with children, and that's OK. If we're truth telling here, children are pretty stupid and gross until you get them trained up proper and that takes years – time that could be spent traveling the world or maybe curing cancer or at least working on a sweet fadeaway jumper. Think about it: Would you rather have a tear in your taint or be money in the paint?

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, check out the Luv Doc Archive, and subscribe to the Luv Doc Newsletter.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc touches his face about a thousand times a day

The Luv Doc, March 6, 2020

The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
Tornadoes are a dime a dozen in Oklahoma

The Luv Doc, Oct. 25, 2019

More The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Tested in All Ways But One
The Luv Doc: Tested in All Ways But One
There has never been a better time in the history of the planet to get to know someone without swapping cooties

Luv Doc, May 22, 2020

The Luv Doc: Stanky Jeans
The Luv Doc: Stanky Jeans
Thus spake the Chronicle's Ad Hoc Fashion Editor

The Luv Doc, May 15, 2020

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle