The Luv Doc: Your Psychopathic Buddy

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been friends with a co-worker for several years. We go to lunch frequently and sometimes hang out after work – happy hours, parties, etc. I thought it was strictly a platonic relationship, but two weeks ago, after a particularly boozy after-work happy hour at an Eastside club, he said he has always had a crush on me and asked me out. At first I thought he was kidding, but when I realized he wasn't, I may have overreacted and hurt his feelings. I told him I never think of him in that way, which is true, but maybe not the nicest thing to say to someone. Now he hasn't spoken to me since other than to say "Hi" or "Bye" in the hallway. It is really upsetting me because I value our friendship and don't want this to be the end of it. What do I do to keep him from feeling hurt?

– Cruella

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If you find out that someone has been lying to you for a very long while, it's totally understandable that you might not react in a calm, caring, compassionate way. Give yourself a break, Cruella. You and this guy have been hanging out for several years and he just now decides to share his true feelings? Ick. No, seriously. Ick. That sounds like a really fucking horrible British manners romance. Do you really want to date a guy who takes three years to spit it the fuck out? Of course not. And truly, I think that kind of passivity and indecision isn't particularly healthy in a friendship, either.

I can just imagine you two at Whisler's and you ask him what he wants to drink and he orders an IPA because that's what he thinks you want him to order when all he really wants is a nice, drinkable lager. If you could actually see into his mind at that moment you would probably want to deprive it of oxygen by some quicker means than mild inebriation. Strangulation pops up first on my list, but I will freely admit that patience isn't my strongest suit. In fact, I will happily finish your sentence for you if you are having too much trouble finishing it yourself. It's a service I offer.

But this cat ... damn. Three years? Keep in mind I am assuming three because several always denotes more than two and I don't want to believe in this case it means four or five. I don't even want to live in a world where a human being can go to work every day with someone he wants to bone for five years and not find some effective way to communicate that desire. You show me someone who has held a private crush for five years and I will show you someone with a creepy basement room filled with Polaroids. That shit ain't right. That's the kind of person who probably makes lampshades out of human skin.

If I were you, I would give your psychopathic buddy all the space he needs to unfetishize you at his own pace. You might also want to put the HR department on your speed dial. Just in case. I mean, it sounds like he's a pretty normal guy – at least to you – and that's all that matters, right? I mean, I wouldn't poke that motherfucker with a stick myself, but to each her own. If you absolutely feel you have to interact with this monster, please do so cautiously and in a safe, public space. Tell him exactly how you feel about the situation and very clearly define your boundaries. In this case, the more said the better and ideally he should shoulder that burden. Remember: public places ... and, good luck!