The Luv Doc: Dogs Can't Talk

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been in a great relationship with a man I met (surprisingly?) at ACL Fest and things are going so well that we have been talking about moving in together. Except there is this one, tiny problem – my Chihuahua gets really agitated whenever he's around. I thought it might get better over time, but it hasn't. She won't stop barking at him when he comes over. I put her in my bedroom whenever my boyfriend visits, but she still barks through the door the whole time. It's really annoying. Should I listen to mi corazón or mi Chihuahua?

– Barky

So Barky … have you ever seen The Omen? It's a Seventies movie about a man who, upon learning that his wife's first baby is stillborn, decides to secretly adopt another baby whose mother died in childbirth to replace his own. Sounds like a wonderful, compassionate act and a beautiful, touching movie … until you find out the child is actually the Antichrist. I'm not talking about a Donald Trump Antichrist, I am talking about an Antichrist Antichrist.

Here's the problem with having an adopted son who is the Antichrist: You can't take him anywhere. You go for a nice drive through the animal park and the baboons all go apeshit. You try to have a nice birthday party and the nanny hangs herself. You take him to church and he starts bitch-slapping his mother in the back of the limo. How do you handle that shit? With active listening? "Time out li'l Scratch, Mommy's got to redo her makeup."

Still, throughout the whole movie you know who had the little Antichrist's back? Dogs. Now, before you go thinking I am a cat lover or that I was mauled by a Rottweiler as a child, let me just state for the record that I'm a dog person. Dogs are wonderful. And even if there is plenty of evidence that clearly shows they aren't wonderful – like when they roll on the dead snake in your backyard and then come in the house and jump on your lap – they sell their wonderfulness so well you don't mind being conned.

Though I give them props on their acting/sincerity, I have serious reservations about dogs' ability to judge character – even on a primal, instinctual level. I have nearly had my dick bitten off by a dog just for trying to deliver a Christmas present. Thank God I was wearing baggy jeans. Sadly, I have also known plenty of complete assholes whose dogs liked them just fine – though, to be fair, dogs do seem to have a thing for assholes.

That is why I am going to recommend that you trust your heart, Barky. Chihuahuas do have relatively big brains, but it's only because their bodies are really tiny. My guess is you're a much better judge of character. And, if I'm wrong and the Chihuahua's right, she isn't going to give you shit about it because she's a dog and dogs can't talk.