The Luv Doc: A Long, Painful Russian Belt Tattoo

Love is the wild card of human existence

The Luv Doc: A Long, Painful Russian Belt Tattoo

Dear Luv Doc,

My friend has been going out with a guy for two months – two months – and he wants to tattoo her name on his stomach, but he also wants her to tattoo his name on her stomach. She agrees with me that it's kinda creepy, but she also thinks it's romantic and hasn't ruled it out yet. They both have a lot of tats, but this is stupid. How do I talk some sense into this b@#ch?

– Tatt-le Tale

First of all, I think you may be overreacting – unless this dude is a Russian. Russian names are nothing to trifle with. If you're going to tattoo "Konstantin Mikhailovich Sergeyev" on your torso (and you might as well make it a full belt), you want to be sure that Russian is throwing you some seriously amazing D. That dick better feel like a schedule 1 narcotic. That dick better leave you all warm and greasy like a melted stick of butter. Even then, you still might want have that D under contract. Even good Ds are known for their wandering ways.

If his name is "Bo," well that's a different deal entirely. You could maybe roll the dice and just see how things turn out. My guess is that you end up in a pair of mud-stained Daisy Dukes laying down trotline in a mosquito-infested bayou at six in the morning, but maybe I don't know Bo. What I do know is that while Bo might insist that you know how to properly put stink bait on a treble hook, Bo doesn't demand a lot of ink. Not even if he's Cajun and spells it "Beaux."

That said, I'm not a big size queen when it comes to tattoos. And I'm also not a big pragmatist when it comes to love. This is probably going to sound sickeningly and irresponsibly romantic, but love is not the German rail system. It doesn't run on a timetable. Quite the contrary. If anything, love is the wild card of human existence. Love takes all of the beauty and symmetry and sense in the world and just fucks it all up with blithering stupidity. You ever look at a couple and think, "That just don't make no damn sense at all?" I'm not just talking about Emmanuel Macron or Kid Rock and whoever he's dating.

People don't just get tattoos for love, they do way stupider shit. Sometimes they even die for love. Suck on that, cosmic spaghetti monster. Love is the rabies of the universe. Actually it's worse than rabies because at least we know how rabies spreads. But love? Fuck. Love is in the water, in the air, in every home-cooked meal your mom makes. It's in every goddamned thing it wants to be. Love is in the plan just to fuck up the plan.

So, to answer your question, yes. You can talk some sense into that bitch – as long as she's not in love. Otherwise, she's getting a long, painful Russian belt tattoo.

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