The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: Dog Luv

The corporate culture here at the brick bunker is that there are no bad ideas

By The Luv Doc, May 26, 2017, Columns

This week, Chronicle News Editor Chase Hoffberger came to me with a brilliant suggestion: Instead of writing a weekly advice column I should instead do a column where I explore the things dogs love from a dog's perspective. He said I should call it "Dog Luv."

Now, I am sure this has proven itself out in a thousand ways here at the Chronicle – in this column alone for instance – but the corporate culture here at the brick bunker is that there are no bad ideas, only ideas that haven't been thoroughly bleached by committee.

Given enough meetings with enough people and enough time, I'm sure any earnest, well-meaning organization could make Dark Side of the Moon sound like Nickelback's eighth album. Here's the thing: I have no idea what Nickelback's eighth album is called – or if they even have an eighth album. If they do, it may well be much better than Dark Side of the Moon. Even if it's complete garbage, it has to be more danceable. Regardless, the one thing you can be sure of is that it was thoroughly vetted by every department of Nickelback's record label – especially marketing.

So, as a tribute to the billions of brilliant ideas snuffed out by premature censorship masquerading in the name of editorial oversight, I give you Dog Luv.

Dog 1: You know what I really love? Finding a smelly, rotting, varmint corpse in some remote corner of the backyard and rolling around in it until I smell like the Grim Reaper's vomit and then running inside, jumping on the couch, and licking my owner's face.

Dog 2: I really love standing in the corner of the kitchen and just randomly growling and barking at a blank spot on the wall.

Dog 3: I love smelling strange dogs' asses. Seriously. I can't get enough. I like to put my nose right up in their rosebuds and then guess what brand of dog food they eat. And by the way, someone here has been eating wet Meow Mix.

Dog 4: I love getting my tummy scratched. That shit unscrews my lipstick every time. I will admit it can get really awkward, but it's totes worth it – especially if it's someone with a tight manicure.

Dog 5: I love chasing cats. Calico, brindle, tabby – doesn't matter. I just love getting all up in their chili. I tell you what though, there are some cats that don't scare at all. Those cats are artists. I don't fuck with them.

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