The Luv Doc: Definitely Not Pee

Looking a gift horse in the mouth

The Luv Doc: Definitely Not Pee

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend and I only see each other on weekends because of our busy work schedules. When we get together, and I induce foreplay, she is so horny from a week with no sex, she gushes like a firehose. It did not bother me when we were at her place, but, for some reason, the giant wet spot puddle on my bed bothers me. What can I do to get over it?

– Splash Fountain


Outstanding, Splash Fountain! You are clearly doing the work of the Lord. There is nothing sadder than a squirter who doesn't squirt. (If I may throw in a brief editorial aside here, I would recommend against any sexually inhibited Chronicle readers naively doing a Google image search using the term "squirter who doesn't squirt" in hopes of finding a sad-faced woman. If you need a visual, just think of Droopy Dog with a little dust poof coming out of his vaginal area.)

As pro athletes are always fond of saying, when God blesses you with a talent, it is a sin to waste it. You sir, with your whole foreplay induction technique (would it be shameful of me to ask for a schematic?) have obviously figured out how to open up an unprecedented ejaculatory deluge. I understand that your use of the term "firehose" might be hyperbolic, but my mind can't shake the image of being pinned against a wall by a powerful stream of … well … it's definitely not pee … OK, maybe a little.

It is my sincere hope that others will find your missive as inspirational as I do. Just imagine how many Captain Ahabs are out there right now, scouring the seas for their own white whales, and here you've actually beached one and now you're complaining about the puddle? I am a little bit embarrassed for you, frankly, and I think I speak for all mankind (present Republican presidential administration excluded) when I say that you're looking a gift horse in the mouth, dude. It's a free horse. It doesn't need teeth – and in this case you probably wouldn't want it to even if it did.

Nonetheless, if you're hellbent on stanching the merciful flow of the godhead, I have a solution. Hold on to your seat here because you may be overwhelmed with its awesome simplicity. Ready? OK. Here it is: You need to work less and have more sex. Otherwise, why are you even working?

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, check out the Luv Doc Archive, and subscribe to the Luv Doc Newsletter.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc touches his face about a thousand times a day

The Luv Doc, March 6, 2020

The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
Tornadoes are a dime a dozen in Oklahoma

The Luv Doc, Oct. 25, 2019

More The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Unwanted Parenting Advice
The Luv Doc: Unwanted Parenting Advice
The more you know about masturbation and parenting, the better off you are

The Luv Doc, April 9, 2021

The Luv Doc: An Appropriate Amount of Time
The Luv Doc: An Appropriate Amount of Time
After a year of relative celibacy, everyone deserves a nice roll in the hay.

The Luv Doc, April 2, 2021

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

Eric Goodman's Austin FC column, other soccer news

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle