The Luv Doc: In Favor of Waxing
There is far too much hair in the world already
Dear Luv Doc,
Last night after we had sex, my girlfriend asked me if I have ever considered waxing my pubic hair, and I said no, because I don't think it looks manly. Plus, I don't think I would keep up with it. She said she keeps up with hers and that if she has to get waxed regularly, she doesn't see any reason why I can't do the same. I don't know, the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. I am not real self-conscious, but it just seems kind of weird. It's not like we're going to be making porns. Should I do it or not?
Absolutely you should do it. In my humble opinion, there is far too much hair in the world already. It's hanging off chins, done up in man buns, all up in our ears, our noses, on our knuckles and backs ... and the last thing we need is to have it stuck between our teeth. You wanna know something else? Hair is flammable. Having a full beard and a huge mane is like walking around in a helmet made of gas-soaked polyester pajamas.
OK, that might have been an overstatement, but hair really does catch fire. If you don't believe me, just go on a Girl Scout campout sometime. There is about a 99% chance they will be making s'mores and about a 100% chance somebody's molten flaming marshmallow will end up in somebody's hair. After all the shrieking, crying, and panicked histrionics, the flames will be beaten out with a dirty sit-upon and the sulfurous odor of burnt Girl Scout hair will permeate the fire circle. You will never be able to choke down a s'more again without flashing back to that terrifying tableau.
One cautionary note, however, is that if you're going to go hairless, do it right and wax that shit. There are a couple of obvious reasons for this, but just in case you're a Trump voter, I am going to spell them out to you: 1) I don't care how steady your hand is, you don't want a razor that close to your privates. Accidents happen. 2) If you're cheap and you're going to go ahead and roll the dice, make sure you shave on the regs and use a moisturizing balm. You don't want to wake up one day and realize your scrotum has scratchier razor stubble than Rip Torn's mug shot photo.
If you absolutely have to assert your masculinity with a super-dense man muff, at least have the decency to brush out the loosies every now and again – maybe hit that shit with a lint roller. You don't want the wet spot on the bed to look like the work of an incontinent French poodle.