The Luv Doc: History

Any time you start poking around in someone's skeleton closet there is a good chance you're going to get boned

The Luv Doc: History

Dear Luv Doc,

I had a first date with a friend of a friend last week and it was a bust. We were getting along just fine but apparently I made the mistake of asking how many guys she has had relationships with in the past. I think she thought that I was trying to find out if she is promiscuous but I really was just interested in the type of guys she has gone out with in the past. Am I missing something? Is this such a bad thing to ask?

– Confused

Yes, you are missing something. A second date. Why? Because you basically just asked a woman on a first date how many dudes she has banged. That's sort of like insinuating that you're concerned she has an incurable form of gonorrhea. Maybe you should have stuck with her favorite color ... or the name of her first dog ... or whether she thinks Jay Leno is even remotely funny. If she answers "mustard" on either of the first two or "yes" on the third, you just saved yourself the cost of dessert.

Instead, you turned into fucking Ken Burns – which is a horrible first date strategy even if you are actually Ken Burns. Save the history research until you find the yearbook she has stashed in a taped-up box in the back of her closet. You will find that box when she is moving in with you, but you will still absolutely not be allowed to open it until she is either carrying your first child or looking for kindling during the zombie apocalypse.

Until then, it's not OK to ask her about her ex-boyfriends. Just know that they exist – either in a crawlspace ... or the world of the living ... or someplace much, much worse: in your head. If it's the latter, just remember you let them in. They were vampires standing on your doorstep and you said, "Sure, I'd like to know more about Amway! Come on in!" Here's the thing: No one wants to know more about Amway, not even the blood-sucking wannabe entrepreneurs who sell it.

So let's say you open the door and she states honestly and without reservation that she dated a few Juggalos, a guy who wears Vibram FiveFingers, Alex Jones, Dan Patrick, and that Romeo Rose guy. Why would you want to invite them to a party? Even if it's just in your head? And really, who hasn't made a few bad choices in their past? Any time you start poking around in someone's skeleton closet there is a good chance you're going to get boned. So here's my advice: Before getting to know who someone used to be, try getting to know who they actually are.

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