The Luv Doc: A Success Story

Dear Luv Doc,

My roommate has been dating my boyfriend's best friend for about a month now. They have been hooking up regularly but never really go out on dates. I know she wants more of a relationship, but when she asked him recently if he considers her his "girlfriend," he said, "Yes, you're my friend." She asked me what I think, but I don't want to be too negative because this guy is my boyfriend's best friend, so I have just been telling her that she shouldn't feel pressured to hook up with him just because he is my boyfriend's friend – which is true, but I think he is just using her. What should I do? Tell her to break it off, or talk to him and tell him to knock it off?

– Bad Wingwoman

---

First of all, I wouldn't say you're a bad wingwoman. This sounds like a success story to me – wingwoman-wise. Your friend is getting laid. Nice work. Besides, Bad Wingwoman sounds like some place my dad was stationed during the Cold War. It's not on Google Maps. I checked, but there was an option to add it, and now I am thinking that maybe my life's true calling is to make up fake locations and add them to Google Maps. Thank you for wingwomaning me into that vocation. This advice gig is bound to play out sooner or later. The emperor has no clothes.

But let's get back to your well-serviced friend. So this guy is shagging her regularly and without complaint, but still she is unsatisfied. That's not on you. You held up your end of the bargain. As much as you might like to, you can't hold her hand all the way to the altar, and it would be a terrible idea if you did. At some point, she is going to need to learn to speak up for herself and for what she wants.

I am not just talking about what she wants sexually (although if she is going to ask this dude to poop on her chest while she masturbates, it's probably best to get that out sooner rather than later), but I mean just as far as life in general. Like, does she actually want a companion as well as a fuck buddy? There is usually an "up-charge" for that – and by "up-charge" I mean that she is going to have to maybe cuddle with him post-coitus and listen to his stupid dreams and aspirations. She's also going to have to at least pretend to be into the shit he's into – even if it's something tedious like home brewing or smooth jazz or baseball.

Sex is pretty easy, commitment-wise. Even a top performer is only good for an hour or two at most, at which point you can ask him to get coffee and then lock the deadbolt behind him. With a relationship, you still lock the deadbolt, but you're both inside. It's pretty much a cage match from there. For some that cage match lasts a lifetime, but most people tap out after a few rounds, if only because they can't take the beating.

So, tell your friend that if she wants a cage match with this dude, she needs to invite him into the ring in very unambiguous terms. Otherwise she needs to clam up and enjoy the ride.