Dear Luv Doc,
I have been in a relationship with a woman for more than three years now and I am bored. Not just sexually. With everything. We are in a real rut and I don't know what to do about it. Same restaurants. Same TV shows. Same cocktails. Same friends. Sometimes I feel like I just want out of it all, but I don't have the heart to break it off. I don't want to be like this 10 years from now. What do I do?
That is just horrible, Eeyore – not the part where you named yourself after a jackass, but all the other stuff. Every single bit. Just ew. Bored people suck. Hard. All the way to the base. Pubic hair in their noses. Actually, that's not true. They don't suck at all. That would be too exciting, wouldn't it? Too much effort. That would actually take work. So, while I would like to say you suck, that would be too generous an assessment. Rather: You don't suck. You're too fucking self-absorbed to engage in such a selfless and thoughtful act.
Since you asked, however, I will be delighted to pop your bubble: Only boring people get bored. Yes, your grandmother said something to that effect when you were a wee lad, but just because it was true in the ancient Seventies doesn't mean it isn't true today as well. Bored people wait for the world to engage with them instead of engaging with the world. Bored people look at the world as some kind of massage chair. It can sometimes be that, but rest assured it will not be the kind of massage you want, and it probably won't come with a happy ending.
Why? Because bored people are stupid. Their fundamental lack of knowledge undermines most if not all enjoyment of both the mundane and the miraculous. They don't understand the multiple layers of meaning and complexity in the simplest of things and jaw-dropping majesty of the sublime. Bored people are ungrateful. They do not understand what an incredible gift it is to be alive and able to whine about how bored they are. And lastly, bored people are lazy. Too fucking lazy to even give a decent blow job.
In short, Eeyore, you have a lot of work to do. Let's start by not blaming your girlfriend. For all we know she has caught your disease as well. Yes, boredom is contagious. How else would you explain gerbiling? And yet, as completely depraved as gerbilers may be, you have to credit them for taking initiative. That's your Achilles' heel, Eeyore. Not gerbils, initiative.
You need to stop waiting for the world to be your organ-grinder monkey and get out there and do some dancing yourself. Like gerbiling, you should start small and work your way up. Maybe start by trying a new restaurant – something really dirty and foreign-sounding where the guy behind the counter gives you the stink eye. Watch Green Acres. Stoned. Trust me. Jack Daniels and A&W Root Beer. Beautiful night, hellish morning. What I am saying here is that you should just scare and amaze and fulfill yourself in every way imaginable. Nothing is off the table. Not even sex – although I recommend you clear off the dishes first. Nobody wants a pork chop in their rosebud, although that definitely would not be boring, would it? You can do this, Eeyore! Remember: You're hung like a donkey!
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