The Luv Doc: Quid Pro Quo

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take

The Luv Doc: Quid Pro Quo

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been going out with a wonderful new boyfriend for two months. Everything is going great except for one thing: He doesn't seem to care that I am not having any orgasms with him. I do enjoy sex with him but we rarely have any foreplay and he doesn't seem to ever want to go down on me. Otherwise he is very kind and sweet to me and I truly enjoy being around him. When we first started going out he would ask me what I liked, but recently it just seems like we have a few minutes of intense sex and that's it. I hate confrontation so I haven't said anything to him about it. I was hoping he would notice it himself, but he hasn't. What can I do to show him the way? I really do think he's the one.

– Unfulfilled


In the words of hockey great Wayne Gretzky (I like to use hockey quotes because they really resonate with readers in the Deep South), "You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take." Currently, Unfulfilled, you are a 100-percenter. Yes, there are about a thousand quotes that say essentially the same thing going all the way back to Socrates. There might even be some hieroglyphics or a cave painting of a stick figure shitting himself for fear of actually communicating with another human being. I don't know. I am not an archaeologist. I do feel fairly certain, however, that if a Paleolithic cave painting was worth a thousand words, it pretty much replaced an entire vocabulary and then some.

So, you would think that somewhere in some undiscovered cave exists a flawlessly painted topographical map of a cave woman's vagina. If it does exist, that painting must have been sealed up long ago by an earthquake, a volcano, or the Catholic church because 40,000 years later, most men still discover the location of the clitoris through a series of grunts, squeals, sighs, and moans that would make a Paleolithic cave woman sound like a linguistics professor. It would be overly generous to describe this method as frustratingly inexact, but hey, as long as it saves everyone the embarrassment of having to say words like "vagina," and "labia," and "clitoris," it's all good – albeit annoyingly inept.

So, if this guy really is "the one" you don't have to ... excuse me, you should not, wait around 10-20 years for him to accidentally discover your love button. Rather you should point it out to him in no uncertain terms. Put his nose to it like a dog who just shit on the carpet. Explain to him that unless you explicitly state otherwise, sex is quid pro quo, which I believe is Paleolithic cave speak for "mama gets an O or nobody gets an O." It's not too late. You've only known him two months. He's still in his probationary period. Don't think of it as confrontation. Think of it as education. Paint a picture if you have to, but make sure your message gets through.

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Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

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