The Luv Doc

Something very fundamental is missing

The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,

First Tinder date in a while – I have been trying to meet non-reptiles. We went to a dinner at a chain restaurant and got seated at a small table. The guy literally talked through the entire dinner and chunks of his food kept flying into my salad and falling into his beard. I only took about three bites and then quit eating because I could barely keep it in my stomach. THEN, after he finished his huge plate of food, he asked me why I hadn't finished my salad and I said I wasn't feeling that hungry so he ate the rest of my salad. Is God trying to punish me?

– Still Trying Not to Vom

Were you at Applebee's? Because if you were at Applebee's, God is definitely trying to punish you. In fact, I would bet that moments after Eve took the apple from the serpent in the Garden of Eden, God started sketching out blueprints for the first Applebee's – with Satan as a consultant, of course. The diabolical cunning of incorporating hometown kitsch into the Applebee's decor in order to distract diners from the unrepentantly shitty food could only be the work of Old Scratch himself (all due respect to our Lord and Creator).

Not even Jesus would forgive that dude for taking you to Applebee's, but even if he took you to Fleming's, his behavior was unacceptable. I hope he didn't take you out to dinner on your second date as well. Just kidding! I am actually amazed you stayed long enough to let him finish your salad (no prison euphemism intended). Maybe you were worried about not being able to get an Uber? I think the Austin public knew there would be unintended consequences to that vote, but no one could have imagined an unspeakable (thankfully this is print) atrocity like this.

I think you've learned your lesson: If you ever go out with this dude again, you need to wear one of those flip-down Plexiglas dental hygienist masks and drop about 80 milligrams of Prilosec OTC (Note to P&G marketing department: You can just send it PayPal).

That was a joke of course – not about whether I can be bought by Big Pharma because every man has his price, but about going out with this guy again. Never. No. Something very fundamental is missing from his human training, and you are not the slob whisperer. Maybe a few hundred more dates that end with women fleeing him in terror might do the trick, but I doubt it. His best hope is to be relentlessly hazed by his true friends until he picks up a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and memorizes it cover-to-cover.

Now that we have established that God is trying to punish you, I think it's best to be extra vigilant in vetting potential dinner dates. Maybe ask them which fork is the salad fork ... or "Does your beard smell like macaroni and cheese?" ... or "What's the best thing on the Applebee's menu?" Answers are "short," "no," and "margarita," respectively, but you already knew that. Hang in there. God will get bored eventually.

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, check out the Luv Doc Archive, and subscribe to the Luv Doc Newsletter.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Luv Doc
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands
The Luv Doc touches his face about a thousand times a day

The Luv Doc, March 6, 2020

The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
The Luv Doc: Fast and Furious
Tornadoes are a dime a dozen in Oklahoma

The Luv Doc, Oct. 25, 2019

More The Luv Doc
The Luv Doc:
The Luv Doc: "Travelin' Ted"
Was it hatred that melted several million cubic feet of snow?

The Luv Doc, Feb. 26, 2021

Luv Doc: A Happy Outcome
Luv Doc: A Happy Outcome
Dream-chasing is a baller move

The Luv Doc, Feb. 19, 2021

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle