The Luv Doc: PDA

Dear Luv Doc,

What are the acceptable parameters of PDA? I am not a prude, but my roommate and his girlfriend are always making out in front of me. I don't know if they ever do anything in his bedroom, but once they get around me they start macking big time. I am happy that he finally found someone who isn't disgusted by him, but now that he has, it is twice as disgusting for me. I am talking full tongue here.

– Yuck

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This is a tough one, Yuck. There are some people who I think we could all agree should get free rein with public displays of affection. For instance, if Ryan Gosling and Rihanna decided to get it on in public, I think most people would be cool with everything up to and including full penetration. I mean, what kind of sick person would walk away from a spectacle like that in disgust? It would be like turning your back on the sublime beauty of a West Texas sunset ... or a field full of bluebonnets ... or a litter of Labrador puppies.

Of course, that is just pure conjecture. Like cold fusion and a Trump presidency, no one can say for sure what kind of unspeakable perversions might go down in the heat of the moment once Baby Goose and RiRi get busy. Defecation? Cannibalism? Crochet graffiti? Truly anything is possible, and I think you and I and everyone else would be lying if we said we would turn away from anything just short of a snuff film.

So yeah, there's that. Then there's the literally billions of permutations that fall short of that mark. The people out there doing the dirty work of natural selection. Those combinations, as you are well aware, often look like something that crawled off the island of Dr. Moreau ... the kind of terrible monstrosities you might be inclined to kill with fire ... and that is long before they actually start making the beast with two backs.

You're right. There has to be a line somewhere ... or maybe one of those Game of Thrones-style walls. We have to protect the innocents. Here's my take: Anything much beyond tonsil hockey should be verboten just about everywhere except skating rinks and bowling alleys, for obvious reasons – otherwise how would any of us have ever been conceived? Anything beyond that should require a room ... or a tent ... or the backseat of a 1992 Honda Civic with fogged-up windows.

Baby Goose and RiRi not included.