The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: She's a Hitter

Maybe you need to watch your goddamned sassy mouth

By The Luv Doc, February 5, 2016, Columns

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend hits me a lot – like when I tell a joke or tease her or something. Usually it doesn't hurt that much, but sometimes she lands a good one. I don't want to complain about it because I don't want her to think I am a sissy. What should I do to keep her from hitting me?

– Punchy

First of all, maybe you need to watch your goddamned sassy mouth. Second of all, if you absolutely can't control what comes out of your mouth, keep your dukes up, your chin down, and your hips sideways. Take it from someone who knows, you take a square-toed Frye boot in your gonads and your eyes are going to water up like you just polished off a fifth of Jameson while watching Hoosiers. You're probably going to be doubled over like Quasimodo as well.

But seriously, I think we can all agree that violence isn't funny ... unless it's maybe a "Worst Fails" YouTube video, something on Worldstar, or The Three Stooges. You have to admit that when Shemp stops Moe's eye-gouge with the sideways hand, it's both high comedy and a victory for the persecuted underdog. Even still, how can you not empathize with Moe's frustration with having to constantly deal with Larry/Curly/Shemp's unrelenting imbecility?

See? The thing is, you're Larry/Curly/Shemp and your girlfriend is Moe. She would probably like to slice you to pieces with a withering barrage of clever verbal ripostes, but it's much easier to just smack you in the head with a hammer. That shit is adorable when you're toddlers, but in the adult world it's called "battery," and it is an actual crime.

That's right, guess who's looking like a sissy now (points thumbs toward chest). You are, essentially a battered boyfriend. Own it. Even still, don't start packing your bags for SafePlace just yet. You still have plenty of options. One is to make your girlfriend wear boxing gloves whenever she is in your presence. Yes, you'll still be prone to concussion and the hand jobs are going to be a lot messier, but do you really want a girlfriend with knuckle scrapes and broken hands? Of course you don't.

Another option, and one I am going to recommend – even though it means essentially surrendering your man card – is to actually talk to her about it. No, not by saying "you hit like a little girl," but by telling her that you would like the hitting to stop, even if you do say something snide, sarcastic, or just plain mean. My bet is that she would expect no less from you.

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