The Luv Doc: Wishy Washy

Dear Luv Doc,

I don't know whether it's me or what, but I seem to always end up going out with wishy-washy guys who can't commit to anything. I don't mean marriage or a long-term relationship. I mean something as simple as "Do you want to go on a date on Friday?" The answer I get is always something like, "Yeah, cool, maybe ... let me get back with you later when I see what my work/school/mood/whatever is." Then there is the whole thing about what constitutes a date. It's always like, "Hey, you wanna hang out?" Or "Hey, you wanna Netflix and chill?" How about we go on a DATE?!?! Like to a restaurant or a show or a movie? Am I looking for love in all the wrong places?

– Sissy

First off, let me say that I like the white, hot, fiery furnace of your rage, Sissy. Sounds like you're just about ready to burn this fucking city to the ground. Who wouldn't want to date someone like you? Of course, that's assuming that people actually date anymore. As you have discovered, "dating" or "going on a date" implies a certain declaration of possible romantic intent. Yes, I know that the "romantic intent" thing may be a bit of an overstretch, but generally "going on a date" is a more loaded phrase than something like "grabbing some tacos and playing skee-ball."

The former implies that there is a possibility that you might end up bumping uglies in the Scoot Inn parking lot, and the latter only implies that you're doing an activity. Some men (not all men) view "going on a date" as a trap door that leads to being shanghaied into a long-term, monogamous relationship that will eventually end up with them having to pick a color of table linens for your huge, expensive wedding. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it, Sissy? No! No, no, no! It fucking doesn't sound wonderful, Sissy. To most guys, that sounds like a horrible fucking nightmare! Something along the lines of if a guy asked you to clip his fungus riddled toenails or have a fart-lighting contest with his binge-drunk frat buddies.

I know I am over-generalizing here, but I think I can speak for the whole of humanity when I say all we really want is to get fed and get laid and go to sleep. Everything else – pretty much the entirety of human endeavor – is just guile, subterfuge, and mere coincidence in the ongoing endeavor to make those things happen, preferably in that exact order. Thanks, Obama! So, to be perfectly clear: When a guy asks you if you want to "Netflix and chill," he doesn't really give a damn about the Netflix.

I know you're probably wondering: Is the possibility of romance completely lost in the modern world? Not at all. There are doubtless plenty of men fully willing to engage in the coquetry and subterfuge of a traditional courtship. You just need to be a bit more selective. I suggest dating men over 50, or perhaps churchy types who wear cardigans. What you want is a traditionalist – someone who hasn't been corrupted by the allure of instant gratification on Tinder and Craigslist and the like.

Or, you can simply accept the fact that times have changed and that men and women go places and do things and ideally, if they really dig each other, that continues for a really long time – long enough that it makes choosing table linens seem slightly less scary than childbirth. So buck up, Sissy. Use your intense passion to engage in life fully and find someone who does the same. Don't settle for anything less, even if you have to burn this city to the ground.