The Luv Doc: Medicate as Needed

Dear Luv Doc,

Every year we are invited to my mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving (in Dallas) and even though we always have lots of offers from friends here in Austin, we always go. The drive is always brutal and takes way longer than it should. We are always really stressed by the time we get there, and, most maddeningly, she never suggests anything for me to bring "because we are driving all the way up there." I always try to bring something, but it always seems to be the wrong thing and she can barely hide her disgust. Despite all this, my husband won't even consider spending Thanksgiving at our friends' houses – and God forbid we should spend it at my parents' house in Louisville. Please keep me from murdering my mother-in-law. What should I do? All I want is a little compromise.

– Piper

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Wow, Piper, I feel like maybe I should purchase some sort of malpractice policy before I answer your question. You really do seem stressed and you haven't even made it past that holiday clusterfuck at IKEA. Believe it or not, I (and apparently several hundred thousand other masochists) have made that exact drive on Thanksgiving and I really do feel your pain.

I have a friend who once spent nearly eight hours driving to Dallas on I-35 the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing in Dallas worth eight hours in a car – not a healthy Tony Romo ... not car-hopped tater tots and longnecks at Keller's ... not even snorting cocaine off of Morgan Fairchild's ass in the back of Mark Cuban's Hummer limo. The absolute best things in Dallas are worth maybe 2½ hours in a car at most. That's why everybody is trying to drive 90 on I-35. Going any slower isn't worth it.

Now, before I get into the meat of this answer, let me say that I completely approve of and fully endorse open and honest communication with your spouse. Maybe you can work out some sort of amicable compromise. However, if that doesn't work, you should openly and honestly communicate with your husband that this year for Thanksgiving he is doing all the driving and you're bringing a couple of bottles of tequila (doesn't need to be top shelf), a bag of limes, and a couple of joints.

To deal with your stress on the drive (and for legal reasons as well), you're going to want to finish off those joints before you get to the 45 mixmaster. Once you hit Williamson County, the pot laws ... and the peace officers ... get really Draconian (Yes, that was a Malfoy reference). After you take a quick three-hour nap, you can wake up just in time to pregame with the tequila. Trust me: Nothing takes the edge off dealing with edgy people like a blissful buzz. If you do it right, your stressed-out husband, the hellish traffic, and your murderable mother-in-law will all seem like a mildly amusing Wes Anderson movie. Remember: It's the holidays. Medicate as needed.