Luv Doc: Beer in Heaven?

What if the bliss they're doling out in heaven is not your jam?


Dear Luv Doc,

"In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink it here (right here!) / and when we're gone from here, our friends will be drinking all our beer!"

I am currently unaffiliated with any organized religion, yet this verse weighs heavily on me.

Is there really no beer in heaven? – Someone


I'm no theologian, but let me state with absolute certainty that if there is a heaven, it looks remarkably similar to the Flag Store on 45th and Duval. If you are fortunate enough to merit a trip thereto, bells will chime when you walk through the pearly glass doors – not because you just got your wings, but because the clerk will most likely be back in the walk-in cooler stocking a seemingly infinite selection of exotic craft brews from every backwater in the universe. Inexplicably (because that is the nature of the divine), there will also be tire chains, huge socket wrenches, and an assload of incense ... because you don't want the Hairy Thunderer to catch a whiff of the Purple Kush you smuggled into heaven after He already blew his divine omnipotence on an impressive beer selection.

Rest assured that even in heaven there will be some asshole who whips out an e-cigarette only to look incredulous when everybody gives him the stink eye. Dude. It is totally uncool to pray to the god of your addiction when Big G just comped you an all-access laminate to eternal bliss. And pumpkin pie flavored? Why don't you just re-crucify Jesus while you're at it? Just because heaven looks like the Flag Store doesn't mean it's fallen into complete anarchy. Surely there is some commandment that covers e-cigarettes, right? Thou shalt not expose thy neighbor to the vapor of douche. Pretty sure that's in the Bible at least – probably Leviticus.

Really, the only dialectical hitch in the whole beer-in-heaven scenario is the very real possibility that heaven doesn't exist. Sorry to smack you off that philosophical sugar tit, but the whole idea of heaven is a little bit preposterous, isn't it? At the very least there are some logical snares. For instance: What if the bliss they're doling out in heaven is not your jam? What then? Do you meekly raise your wispy, vaporous angel hand and say, "Um ... I would like to try another kind of bliss. Maybe a Dilaudid high would be nice."

I'm sure forgiveness extends to whiny angels, right? OK, except for Lucifer ... little bit of a dick, TBH. The point here is that while it's fun to smoke a bowl and contemplate the hypothetical, the fundamental state of human existence is ignorance. We like to presume we're on the "intelligent life" membership committee, but we're still not even close to answering the really big questions. So, beer in heaven? Absolutely. In fact, Jesus will probably hold you upside-down by your feet for your keg stand.

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Luv Doc, heaven, Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

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