The Luv Doc: Forest Fires!

Dear Luv Doc,

People can't be smoking during heat waves; smokers should use nicotine gum. Camp fire safety, kids with magnifying glasses. No fireworks, extreme caution with barbecues or don't use them at all. Prevent forest fires! – DW

Agreed, DW. Every time I get the urge to smack the cigarette out of someone's mouth I think, "Wait a minute. That might start a fire!" So instead, I regale them with stories about what a terrifying thing it is to die of lung cancer – or really any long-term smoking-induced respiratory disease. I also remind them that, once they reach the age of 50, they should ban all children from the house and keep a revolver by the nightstand just in case they need to salvage a little last-minute dignity. I know that seems a little tough on the kids, but to be honest, if a toddler ever found a revolver in a nightstand next to a person wearing the death mask of late-stage lung cancer, it would probably end up being a murder-suicide. Even rug rats have a modicum of human compassion and empathy.

Smoking is cool though. Anyone who has ever seen a smoker carelessly flick a lit cigarette into a parking lot on a gusty day quickly realizes, "This person literally gives zero fucks." You could easily imagine that if Oliver Twist were standing beside them with an empty porridge bowl they would just as carelessly put the cigarette out on his forehead. Yes, his forehead, because trying to get it in the porridge bowl is too much work. For some reason, people tend to interpret the self-indulgent, unhurried pace of the smoker as emanating from a sense of worldly ennui. However, anyone who has been nicotine's bitch for any length of time knows otherwise: They need to feed the beast of their addiction, and fuck anything or anyone who stands in its way. Such commitment to anything these days is refreshing, especially when – like climate change-denying conservative douche bags – they are completely unwilling to accept the facts and instead rush headlong into the abyss – just as soon as they finish their cig.

As for campfires in late summer in Texas, that is a total dick move. Who even goes camping in August in Texas? Old people in air-conditioned recreational vehicles and criminals fleeing prosecution. Neither should be allowed to travel anywhere with fireworks. You ever see a geriatric try to run away from a bottle rocket after attempting for an interminable amount of time to light it with a shaky punk? Not pretty – and blue hair is flammable. Don't let any geezer tell you different. Safety-wise, I would much rather give a box of magnifying glasses to a bunch of kindergartners and turn them loose in a crispy hayfield full of fire ants. Then again, maybe if we get the word out about fire safety, neither of those terrifying scenarios will play out. Thanks for the helpful reminder, DW. Now I am going to go take a long walk in the forest.