The Luv Doc: What Is He Saying?

Sometimes a declarative statement is just a fishing expedition

The Luv Doc: What Is He Saying?

Dear Luv Doc,

When he says, "I don't really have a lot of sex" ... what is he saying? Does the when and where he says it matter?

– Bea Fuddled

I don't know if I can say this stridently enough, but yes, context does matter. I can think of a multitude of scenarios where the line above makes perfect sense. Let's say, for instance, that this fellow has just dropped trou and you are confronted with a pair of enormous blue balls. He registers the shock and disbelief that lights up your face and blurts out, "I don't really have a lot of sex." In that context, the above statement makes perfect sense to me.

Or how about this scenario: You and this fellow are in the throes of passionate foreplay and you rip off his boxers and he starts dry-humping your ear. He looks down and sees your annoyed "WTF?" look and stammers, "I don't really have a lot of sex" right before he shudders and gives you a pearl hearing aid. Yet again, the statement is about as unambiguous as you could hope for in such a scenario ... wouldn't you say?

Or, imagine, if you will, that he has just recently been incarcerated ... OK, I'm not even going to go there because I'm pretty sure it doesn't end well. The point though is this: You feel like you don't have enough information. It's true, you don't. That statement could mean damn near anything, and most of the scenarios bouncing around in my head are pretty fucked up. Some, however, are not. For instance: "I don't really have a lot of sex ... because I am an offshore oil worker and the opportunities are extremely limited." See? Totally normal. "Because I am a priest," is a little weirder, but still not out of the realm, and then there's the obvious "because I have 100 max-level characters on World of Warcraft." Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel.

If I am not mistaken though, what's maddening to you about this statement is its lack of detail. Agreed. If it's not obvious to you already, dudes are not the most effective communicators. In his mind, that statement was probably a perfect summation of some intricately detailed physical malady ... or neurosis ... or incredibly bizarre situation – one that might make you tear your hair out just to hear about it – but you won't ever know because you didn't ask.

So here's my advice: Ask. That statement sounds like a fishing expedition in the first place. Would you ever just accept the statement, "I don't really breathe a lot" without a follow-up question? No, you wouldn't. You would ask, "Why don't you breathe a lot?" Anyone making such a comment would surely expect to have to explain it. Similarly, when a guy says, "I don't really have a lot of sex," ask him why. That way, instead of coming up with a bunch of freaky scenarios in your head, you'll actually know. Then again, maybe you're just afraid that the answer might be freakier than anything you could imagine. There's only one way to find out.

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Luv Doc, advice column, Dan Hardick

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