The Luv Doc: Online Dating for Virgins
An immediate, unquenchable need for hot, throbbing manhood
The best! To my knowledge, Chastity, no one has ever lost their virginity online. Judging from the several thousand porn sites I have accidentally stumbled across, deflowerment always happens in the real world – usually accompanied by depressing fluorescent lighting and a soundtrack banged out on a Nineties Casio keyboard. Wait a minute … that wasn’t fair. All fluorescent lighting is depressing. No need for the superfluous adjective. Sorry G.E. Step up your fucking game.
The real-world virgins appear to be either in their late teens or mid-30s (in fluorescent lighting even teenagers look like 30-year-olds) and they all seem to have lots of eye shadow and an immediate, unquenchable need for hot, throbbing manhood. Weird, I know, but apparently sometimes virgins walk past a swarthy looking middle-aged guy in gold chains and a velour track suit and they just lose their shit and start humping him like a cat in heat.
I am not making this up. I saw it online. In my personal experience in meatspace I have never had any physical interaction with a nun other than a sharp, painful rap on the knuckles with a ruler. However, the online nuns all seem to be ready in an instant to shed their vestments and show off their corseted 36DDs and 4-inch stilettos – that, and the twerk they were saving for Jesus.
To be completely honest, once Father Bob started asking me about my masturbation schedule in confession I felt it was high time to go out into the world and seek its non-ecumenical pleasures. I haven’t had much truck with people in vestments for the last 30 years other than funerals and weddings. It’s worked out marvelously for me.
Here’s the thing: I've got no beef with Catholics or even online porn sites that fetishize Catholics, or “virgins” with bad eye makeup, or even swarthy middle-aged guys wearing nugget jewelry and velour track suits. It takes a village. It really does. The thing you need to remember is that the online village isn’t real. Just like your virginity, it is a mental construct. Yes, the Internet has shades of reality and is loaded with profound truths, but ultimately it is only a representation of a grittier, genital-warted reality.
So go joyously (but carefully) amidst the Interwebs and before you commit to anyone or anything, demand a safe, cautious meeting (or 10) in the real world, if only because it has much better cheesecake.