The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: The Insincere Rectangle of Technology

Austin still has plenty of people who can actually read a map, write a letter, or hold a conversation

By The Luv Doc, January 16, 2015, Columns

Howdy Doc!
I'm single and almost ready to mingle, but there is one problem ... everyone seems to have their face buried in some alternate and insincere rectangle of technology. BORING!! I still read paperbacks, send postcards, and believe in the power of rock & roll. Here's my question, Where have all the f-in' cowboys gone?? Brokeback Mountain???
- Cinnamon Girl

First of all CG, let me commend you on your reluctance to embrace digital media … which at this point is well over 20 years old. Yeah, seriously. Two decades. Nearly a quarter century. Some might even call it a generation, but I’m not one to beat a dead horse … well, maybe if it voted for Greg Abbott, 'cause you just know there is a Democrat donkey inside trying to get out. ...

Anyway, suffice it to say that we here at the Chronicle are truly grateful that Luddites such as yourself still exist. Let’s be honest: Newsprint hasn’t yet made a comeback like vinyl has, and even if it does, my guess is that the hipsters would only pretend to read it. In fact, if you see anyone reading a Chronicle who is under the age of 30 and looks like a lumberjack, don’t quiz him on its contents, just give him a knowing nod and maybe a finger pistol, and pretend that you’re hip to the whole artisanal newsprint resurgence. Words just look more authentic and mean more when they’re printed in real ink on partially recycled wood pulp, don’t they? We’re not the only ones who feel this way, right?

Clearly not. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but the Chronicle has one of the largest readerships of any alternative newspaper in the country. Yes, that could be because of our sick writing and illo skillz, or it could be that Austin still has plenty of people just like yourself who can actually read a map, write a letter, or hold a conversation.

Luddite is perhaps a bit of an insensitive and derogatory term for these people, so, for the sake of diplomacy, let’s just call them by their more common appellation: old people. I realize that’s not particularly attractive either, but I tried to popularize a much hipper acronym, PWPH (People With Pubic Hair) and it never really took off. p.s. If you’re wondering how it’s pronounced, it’s “poof.” Genius, right? I know that is also a derogatory term for British Brokeback cowboys, but think of what they did with the good ol' American term “fanny.” Payback, bitches.

So, where have all the cowboys gone? Not to the NFC playoffs, but if you’re looking for some singles action, I would wear something low cut to Half Price Books or maybe the Roost on a Friday night and see how that works out. All the kids at Midnight Rodeo are too busy Snapchatting to notice your cleavage.

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