The Austin Chronicle

The Luv Doc: Boobs or Balls?

If you could re-live your life as either sex, which would it be?

By The Luv Doc, November 14, 2014, Columns

Dear Luv Doc,
If you could be reincarnated (keeping all memories of your current life), and you could come back as either sex, which would you choose and why?

Easy. I would definitely come back as a female. Yes, I understand it would mean a 30% drop in pay and that it would be much more difficult to pee my name into the snow (notice I didn’t say impossible), but I think it would be fascinating to see how the other 49.76% lives. Color me adventurous! OK, maybe not too adventurous. For instance, my decision would depend highly on which country I could live it because, let’s face it, places like Afghanistan and the Democratic Republic of Congo are real shitholes if you’re a man, but they’re flaming shitholes if you’re a woman.

In fact, there are a lot of places I wouldn’t want come back to as woman: Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Sudan, Mali - and on our side of the ocean we have places like Guatemala and Peru, where being a woman is a good enough excuse to take a beating. Oh yeah, and before we get too smug and self-congratulatory, the U.S. ranks 23rd in the Huffington Post’s list of best countries to be a woman, right behind Burundi. That’s the country that shares a border with Rwanda. It’s one of the five poorest countries in the world.

It’s my guess that HuffPo isn’t giving enough weight to the possibility of getting a limb hacked off by a machete-wielding, drug addled 12-year-old, so I think if I had to choose - regardless of gender - I would stick to the USA. Yes, we have more than our share of misogynistic douchebags, but at least, for the most part, women don’t have to walk around in burkas and have their vadges mutilated because some sick fuck with a tiny dick decided it was the will of God.

I know I am not exactly accentuating the positive here, but this isn’t a choice I would consider lightly. I think it would be really cool to experience childbirth - not necessarily having my perineum rent in twain by a writhing, screaming, blood-covered suckling, but just the miracle of growing a new person in my belly and then welcoming it into the world.

It would also be fascinating to me to interact with the world from an entirely new perspective - hormonally, environmentally, intellectually and to have the chance to become a woman with a full knowledge of what it’s like to be a man. I am not saying that if I came back as a man I couldn’t make some tweaks and improvements - I most certainly could, but I have explored the male gender pretty well and would find it much more interesting to try something new. That’s what life is all about isn’t it? Even the second one?

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