The Luv Doc: A Big Move

Dear Luv Doc,
My girlfriend moved to Denver in January to manage a restaurant. It was a big move for her and although she asked me to go with her, I chose to stay in Austin because my job, my house, and my friends are all here. Now, four months later, I can’t stop thinking about her and I feel I've made a big mistake. She hasn’t called since the first week she moved. I would call her but I don’t want to dredge up old feelings. How long does it usually take to get over someone?
- Bummed

If I may quote Mike Rosenberg (aka “Passenger”), “You only need the light when it’s burning low.” That’s just a more brilliantly poetic way of saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder,” which, when spoken while intoxicated sounds remarkably similar to “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder” – which it does, at least temporarily, until you wake up with a soul-crushing hangover so intense that it sucks up every bit of love and affection your heart has to offer. Word to the wise: Stay away from any liquor that you can easily light on fire – especially if you’re lovesick, or one of those sensitive artist types like Van Gogh. He sawed off his ear with a straight razor after a night of hard absinthe drinking with his buddy Gauguin. One theory is that he was insane with anger over the fact that Gauguin was moving back to Paris and so resorted to self-mutilation. It didn’t work. An equally plausible explanation is that he cut his ear off to take his mind off his splitting headache.

The takeaway, Bummed, is that no matter how bummed you are, don’t cut your ear off to try and get your girlfriend to move back. History has proven self-mutilation to be highly ineffective for winning back lovers. I don’t think a blood-splattered Snapchat is going to change that. You can skip the absinthe as well. No offense to Van Gogh, but … uh … amateur hour. He might as well have been beer bonging Mad Dog 20/20.

It’s obvious to me you have carefully considered the pros and cons of your predicament and made a rational decision only to find out that love isn’t rational at all. No matter how you intelligently pore over the facts, love comes along and slices off your ear (and probably gives you a wicked case of syphilis to boot). Why? Because love is the cosmic wild card. It’s an unexpected wet willie from the finger of the divine, and the more you try to work it out in your head and try to make sense of it, the more it consumes you and drives you insane.

So how long does it take to get over someone? Maybe a lifetime. Do you want that hanging over your head? Give her a call, dumbass. Maybe even fly up there and see her. If nothing else, you will know where you stand. And if you find afterward that you still can’t sleep, well, you know what to do.