The Luv Doc: Cheech and Chong Child Care

Dear Luv Doc,
My boyfriend likes smoking the reefer ... a lot. I generally don't have a problem with it so long as he moderates his use and it doesn't get in the way of our relationship. Hell, I even smoke it with him occasionally.

He recently visited his sister and brother-in-law in Seattle - where pot is legal. He has two nephews that are 8 and 6, and a niece that is 2. He adores them. He and his brother-in-law spent the weekend getting high and hanging out with the kids - and that upsets me.

I am considering ending our relationship because I don't want a partner that can't use discretion when it comes to pot. Am I just being too controlling? Is being high around kids an acceptable pastime?
Yours,
Tight Ass

Dear Tight Ass: Being high around kids isn’t a pastime; it’s a survival strategy. If Bear Grylls was airlifted into a Chuck E. Cheese’s on a Saturday afternoon (stay with me) the first thing he would probably do (after putting in foam ear plugs and slathering himself with antibacterial gel) is get baked to the gills. Then he would snarf all the cheese pizza (not only are kids boring, so is their food) and take a long nap in the ball pit. Why? Because that is the only sane thing to do in that situation. To say otherwise is to admit that you are totally whacked out on oxytocin. An oxytocin junkie would shower a rabid pit bull with love and kisses. Oxytocin is the only thing that explains why Donald Trump’s mom didn’t drown him in a bucket. OK, maybe not the only thing. It’s entirely possible that she was a raging alcoholic or strung out on pain meds. The lesson here, of course, is to not let anything gnaw on your nipples that you aren’t willing to love unconditionally.

For those not ravaged by oxytocin, it becomes quickly obvious (usually less than 15 minutes for sober people) that children aren’t all that entertaining – or useful for much except fetching beers and (apparently) sewing together expensive athletic shoes for 17 cents an hour. They’re really hard to talk to, they can’t hold their liquor, and even worse, they can’t drive you home when you can’t hold yours.

The preceding would seem to be a compelling body of evidence that getting high around children is essential, and yet, precisely because children are so stupid, it’s a really good idea not to get stupid around them. Stupid + Stupid = Toddler in a Catapult. N.O. Not even if you pad him with high-density foam strapped down with duct tape. Regardless of how innocent they may seem, children are dangerous little fuckers and should only be handled when totally sober – just like heavy machinery.

That said, if your BF and his bro-in-law want to take the edge off with a few bong hits, it’s not a crime for them to be around children after they do, they should just ask someone responsible to look after them.