The Luv Doc: Grabbing Crotch

How to cure your attention deficit

The Luv Doc: Grabbing Crotch

Luvdoc,
What is the best way to get guys to notice me? I think I am reasonably cute and I think I dress nicely, but guys don’t flirt with me or talk to me like they do with my friends. They act like I am invisible. I know I am a little shy, but I am not horribly ugly. What do I need to do to get their attention?
- Cassie

I love it when my job is easy. Why? Because like all guys, I am lazy. The answer to your question is so simple I can’t believe you didn’t think of it yourself. Pick out a guy you want to notice you and grab his crotch. Solved. Next question. Oh wait … you’re too shy to grab a guy’s crotch? So, what you’re saying is that you’re not willing to do what it takes to get guys’ attention? Trust me: If you grab a guy’s crotch and he doesn’t give you his full attention he is either 1) dead, or 2) a cyborg. I don’t give advice on how to get the attention of dead people or cyborgs. That is light years beyond my pay grade. If, however, you want to get the attention of a living male, grab his crotch. Now, I know you’re probably thinking at this point that I am just joking about the crotch-grabbing thing. I’m not. Stop being a sissy and go grab a dude’s crotch. You’ve tried your way, now try mine. It’s foolproof. Yes, you’ll most likely be ostracized by your friends and labeled a nutjob (after all, you’re a crotch grabber), but you will get attention. Rest assured. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get a boyfriend out of the deal – or a pillow friend.

Now, if what you’re really trying to say is that you want something more than just the (admittedly temporary) undivided attention of a living, breathing male, things get a bit more complicated. The bad news is that you’re still going to have to step outside your comfort zone, but in a way that doesn’t involve sexual assault. You’re going to have to be engaging and then after that you’re going to have to be interesting. Ugh. SO much work. Shyness is a tactic that only works for breathtakingly beautiful people. The rest of us have to work it like an Amsterdam window prozzy. That’s a metaphor, by the way. What I mean is that you need to smile, make eye contact, and yes, actually speak to guys if you want their attention – even if they don’t talk to you first. If you want to keep their attention, you have to be interesting. That usually means you have to do (or at least know) interesting shit. To do that, you yourself must be genuinely interested in interesting shit and not just in attracting the attention of guys. So, it looks like you have a lot of work to do. Or, you could just start grabbing crotch.

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Dan Hardick

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