The Luv Doc: Mittens and Muscleboy

LuvDoc,
My roommate is threatening to move to Canada if Romney is elected. That would be super cool because he is really annoying. He never flushes the toilet, he leaves crumbs on the couch all the time, he eats tacos from Jack in the Box when he gets off work and then leaves the wrappers and half empty soda cups on the coffee table. He also borrows money from me all the time and then forgets to pay me back, or that he borrowed it in the first place. Is it wrong of me to secretly hope that Romney wins the election?
- Torn

Dude … hard core. I can totally appreciate that you’re willing to go to extreme measures. That’s the way shit gets done in America. Somebody has to have the intestinal fortitude to pull the trigger – sort of like Matthew Modine at the end of Full Metal Jacket. Nonetheless, in your case, acting in your own self-interest (which, by the way, is a TOTALLY American thing to do as well – ask Donald Trump) might come back to bite you on the ass. Say, for instance, you vote for Mittens and Muscleboy, and they actually get elected. There is a pretty decent chance that the gates of hell will open up and unleash a terrifying army of blood-sucking demons (aka Wall Street investors, whose only priority is maximizing profits). I know that doesn’t sound very scary on paper, but a few years from now, you might be spending 12 hours a day on an assembly line next to an illiterate seven-year-old from Del Valle, spot welding circuit boards for CIA attack drones. In the post-apocalyptic Romney-Ryan hellscape, attack drones will be in very high demand because America’s humanitarian aid program will primarily consist of thinning the herds of pissed off, starving poor people (aka “terrorists” and “muslim radicals”). Sure, throwing bags of rice off the back of Oxfam trucks might make everyone all warm and fuzzy, but nobody’s making money off that shit. Besides, that grain could be used to make Ethanol. You think Rick Perry’s Suburban runs on love? It seems pretty obvious that dark, possibly murderous thoughts about your roommate are clouding your judgment regarding the presidential election (why wouldn’t they?), but it’s important that you don’t lose focus and clarity. That’s the way the forces of evil work: They cloud your judgment by distracting you from the real issue. In this case, the real issue is that your roommate is a dick – not just because he eats tacos from Jack in the Box (which is the epicurean equivalent of strangling puppies), but because he doesn’t seem much concerned about anyone but himself. In other words, he’s a true American – all the more reason to ship him off to Canada to gain some fucking perspective. However, voting for Romney isn’t the answer – for you or for America. Instead, you need to kick his ass out at your earliest convenience – either that, or move out yourself. Who knows? He may still end up moving to Canada, but at least he won’t borrow the money from you to get there.