The Luv Doc: Shave Everything
You’re more than just a collection of productive hair follicles.
Summer is almost here and I am thinking of shaving off my beard. My girlfriend has never seen me without it and I’m worried she might freak out and break up with me if I shave. Should I go gradual and ease her into my hairless face or go radical and shave everything?
Juan … shave everything. Top to bottom, kibbles to bits. I don’t know you but I have a feeling you’re more than just a collection of productive hair follicles. You probably have hopes and dreams. You probably have ambitions that extend beyond being a lumberjack, a hermit, or the guitar player for ZZ Top. Wait a minute, scratch that last one. Billy G. rocks his beard so women won’t throw panties at his face everywhere he goes. Why? He has magic fingers, duh. Face panties might sound awesome, but a quick survey of the hygiene habits of the average female will remind you that being incessantly pelted with doffed undies isn’t nearly as nice as it sounds – certainly not from ZZ Top’s demographic. The beard makes total sense now, doesn’t it? For all we know, Billy looks like Brad Pitt under that varmint, but I digress. Here’s the thing: Radical change almost always meets resistance. That’s why I am going to suggest a gradual approach. Yes, it’s slower and fraught with infinitely more anxiety and drama, but you don’t want to freak out your girlfriend, do you? That’s why you should start by shaving your crotch. That will totally throw her off balance. When she sees you bald as a baby down there she’ll know you mean business … about something. Little tip: You may be tempted to get waxed – after all, who wouldn’t want to experience the exquisite pleasure of having their pubes ripped out all at once – but don’t do it. You don’t want your girlfriend to have to erase the mental image of somebody else – male or female – touching your junk, even if it’s just to get a better grip on the wax tape. Plus, shaving yourself shows that you have confidence in your abilities with a razor. If you do a good job on your scroat hair, there’s no reason to think you can’t handle your throat hair as well. One caveat: Shaving your pubes – however bang-up a job you do – might totally freak her out. She might, in fact, break up with you because she thinks you’re a sexual deviant, or worse, that shaving body hair is unnatural. That’s ridiculous. Not taking a dump in your front yard is unnatural, not randomly humping ovulating females is unnatural … so is brushing your teeth and washing your hair, but guess what? We’ve evolved. The Schick Hydro has five blades, an ergonomic design, and lubrication. How is she going to argue against that? How is she going to argue against evolution? And if she does, why are you dating her?