The Luv Doc: Shave Everything

You’re more than just a collection of productive hair follicles.

The Luv Doc: Shave Everything

Luvdoc,
Summer is almost here and I am thinking of shaving off my beard. My girlfriend has never seen me without it and I’m worried she might freak out and break up with me if I shave. Should I go gradual and ease her into my hairless face or go radical and shave everything?
- Juan

Juan … shave everything. Top to bottom, kibbles to bits. I don’t know you but I have a feeling you’re more than just a collection of productive hair follicles. You probably have hopes and dreams. You probably have ambitions that extend beyond being a lumberjack, a hermit, or the guitar player for ZZ Top. Wait a minute, scratch that last one. Billy G. rocks his beard so women won’t throw panties at his face everywhere he goes. Why? He has magic fingers, duh. Face panties might sound awesome, but a quick survey of the hygiene habits of the average female will remind you that being incessantly pelted with doffed undies isn’t nearly as nice as it sounds – certainly not from ZZ Top’s demographic. The beard makes total sense now, doesn’t it? For all we know, Billy looks like Brad Pitt under that varmint, but I digress. Here’s the thing: Radical change almost always meets resistance. That’s why I am going to suggest a gradual approach. Yes, it’s slower and fraught with infinitely more anxiety and drama, but you don’t want to freak out your girlfriend, do you? That’s why you should start by shaving your crotch. That will totally throw her off balance. When she sees you bald as a baby down there she’ll know you mean business … about something. Little tip: You may be tempted to get waxed – after all, who wouldn’t want to experience the exquisite pleasure of having their pubes ripped out all at once – but don’t do it. You don’t want your girlfriend to have to erase the mental image of somebody else – male or female – touching your junk, even if it’s just to get a better grip on the wax tape. Plus, shaving yourself shows that you have confidence in your abilities with a razor. If you do a good job on your scroat hair, there’s no reason to think you can’t handle your throat hair as well. One caveat: Shaving your pubes – however bang-up a job you do – might totally freak her out. She might, in fact, break up with you because she thinks you’re a sexual deviant, or worse, that shaving body hair is unnatural. That’s ridiculous. Not taking a dump in your front yard is unnatural, not randomly humping ovulating females is unnatural … so is brushing your teeth and washing your hair, but guess what? We’ve evolved. The Schick Hydro has five blades, an ergonomic design, and lubrication. How is she going to argue against that? How is she going to argue against evolution? And if she does, why are you dating her?

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, or check out the Luv Doc Archive.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More The Luv Doc
Luv Doc: Not Mellow at All
Luv Doc: Not Mellow at All
There is an unwritten social contract to indoor plumbing

The Luv Doc, April 19, 2019

The Luv Doc: Doing the Legwork for Love
The Luv Doc: Doing the Legwork for Love
The mighty oak begins with a tiny acorn

The Luv Doc, April 12, 2019

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Dan Hardick

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

Updates for SXSW 2019

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle