The Austin Chronicle

https://www.austinchronicle.com/columns/2010-01-01/933261/

After a Fashion

Top 9s 2009

By Stephen MacMillan Moser, January 1, 2010, Columns

TOP 9 CHARITY FUNDRAISERS

(In no particular order)

TEXAS 4000 Texas 4000 Tribute Gala

BALLET AUSTIN Ballet Fête*ish '09

ZACH THEATRE Red, Hot & Soul

OCTOPUS CLUB Octo Tea Dance XIV

AUSTIN FILM SOCIETY Texas Film Hall of Fame

ANTONE'S Help Clifford Help Kids

UMLAUF SCULPTURE GARDEN Garden Party

BREAST CANCER RESOURCE CENTER Champagne Brunch & Auction

HOSPICE AUSTIN Beauty of Life

CENTER FOR CHILD PROTECTION Dancing With the Stars Austin

Okay, so I listed 10. Sue me.

TOP 9 MOST VILE PEOPLE THAT I'D LIKE TO NEVER SEE AGAIN

1) MILEY CYRUS There. I said it. This vile, gnomish, pole-dancing tweenie has a bright future ahead of her ... as a pole-dancing gnome. You know Her Vileness didn't fall far from the tree.

2) BALLOON BOY AND FAMILY So vile. Those 15 minutes fly by, don't they?

3) TIGER WOODS Schadenfreude at its finest. The harder they fall, indeed.

4) SARAH PALIN Unspeakable vileness. I'm pretty much ready to let her go.

5) JON AND KATE GOSSELIN Just. Go. Away. We hate you and your children.

6) TAREQ AND MICHAELE SALAHI Vile. The most transparent people alive. Off with their heads.

7) PAMELA ANDERSON Looking older than old. She's the Zsa Zsa Gabor for the new century.

8) CARRIE PREJEAN, MISS CALIFORNIA, PROTECTOR OF ALL THAT IS SACRED Stupid, vile slut.

9) LIL' WAYNE Omigod, a year in jail? My dream already came true.

TOP 9 PROGNOSTICATIONS FOR BELOVED CELEBUTARDS

1) THE THREE-HEADED HYDRA KNOWN AS KOURTNEY, KIM, AND KHLOE KARDASH­IAN Perhaps the most loathsome of all celebutards. I'm seeing a future of trashiness ahead for them. Now that they've begun spawning, someone will give them a special on three hysterectomies. It can be the final episode of their vile televised activities: The Day Their Tubes Stood Still.

2) THE BECKHAMS, DAVID AND VICTORIA Becks and Posh. Yeah. We know he's hot. But she looks like my elderly teacup Chihuahua. I'm seeing something ugly on the horizon for them. You know it, too, don't you? Scientology, perhaps?

3) TOM CRUISE. AND KATIE HOLMES. AND PROBABLY LITTLE SURI, TOO. A train wreck that's happening in slow motion. I'm imagining another Scientological breakdown, this one involving his "clear" close friends, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith and John Travolta and Kelly Preston Travolta, which will scandalize the sextet and send them plunging into obscurity.

4) PRINCESS RIRI AKA RHIANNA The fembot entertainer promises to bring lots more drama for 2010. Count on it.

5) JESSICA SIMPSON I predict we'll see more and more of her (as she gains weight) as we see less and less of her (as her star wanes).

6) LEVI JOHNSTON We've never wanted to see less of him than we do now. I predict T.O. (total obscurity) for 2010.

7) TARA REID AND BROOKE HOGAN will die in a horrible tanning booth accident. Burnt to a crisp in every way possible.

8) ADAM LAMBERT will rightfully win the Aren't You That Homo Singer Award for 2010.

9) MICHELLE DUGGAR WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD (No. 20) AND MOVE IN WITH OCTOMOM (No. 14) and they will raise their 34 children together.

TOP 9 PEOPLE WE WILL MISS

(In no particular order)

FARRAH FAWCETT

ROBIN SHIVERS

PATRICK SWAYZE

NATASHA RICHARDSON

JOHN HUGHES

SOUPY SALES

WALTER CRONKITE

LES PAUL

MARY TRAVERS

ELLIE GREENWICH

FRANK MCCOURT

ANDREW WYETH

DOMINICK DUNNE

Okay, so that's more than nine, too. It's but a drop in the bucket of the talent we lost in 2009. R.I.P.

TOP 9 CELEBRITY DISASTERS

1) FARRAH FAWCETT dying on the same day as Michael Jackson. Love you, Farrah, but it was a bad move.

2) LINDSAY LOHAN What else can I say? I always expect that the next photo I see of her will be the photo of her arriving DOA at the hospital.

3) MICHAEL JACKSON The ongoing postmortem.

4) AMY WINEHOUSE See Lindsay Lohan.

5) SUSAN BOYLE'S BREAKDOWN Poor sweetie. Not at all ready.

6) GOV. MARK SANFORD, DAVID LETTER­MAN, SEN. JOHN ENSIGN, AND TIGER WOODS Just keep it in your pants, boys.

7) LEVI JOHNSTON NO-SHOW SPREAD Some­thing's going to happen to him, and it's not good.

8) CHRIS BROWN Chris Brown. Chris Brown.

9) BROOKE HOGAN

TOP 9 MEMORABLE MOMENTS FOR ME

1) GETTING ARRESTED

2) SELLING OFF THE TREASURES OF MY LIFE

3) MOVING INTO MY SISTER'S HOUSE

4) A TEARFUL REUNION WITH MY BROTHER

5) SENDING MY NEPHEW OFF TO BOOT CAMP

7) BEING HOSPITALIZED FOR HEALTH PROBLEMS

8) SETTLING MY LEGAL MESS

9) CHRISTMAS WITH ALMOST ALL OF MY FAMILY

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