The Austin Chronicle

After a Fashion

By Stephen MacMillan Moser, July 10, 2009, Columns

SPAM SANDWICH I did something very stupid recently and filled out a form online that required some personal information. Naturally, I was skeptical but figured that as long as I did not actually submit the information, I'd be fine. After I filled out a few fields, I went on to the next page and began filling out a couple more. Scrolling to the bottom of the page, I noticed that they wanted financial information from me. Uh-uh. No, thanks. See you later. And I closed the browser. But the damage was done, and within a short time, I was receiving e-mails offering me everything from information on becoming a crime scene investigator to pix of Lolitas and cougars, home-based businesses, acai diets, etc. In a week, there were considerably more e-mails cramming both my inbox as well as my junk box. Now, more than a month later, my mailbox is filled with more spam than it is legitimate e-mails. It's staggering. Do they think, after haranguing me for months, that I'll suffer a moment of weakness and give in and send them money for ... for what? Aphrodisiacs? Pornography featuring children and animals? Why would they even assume that I'd be interested in going to "the filthiest site on the Internet"? There is nothing in my browsing history that would even begin to indicate this would be something I'd like to explore. How dare they!

IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE? OK, Carole Stewart Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn Burton Burton Warner Fortensky, your previous run for governor in the last election touted you as One Tough Grandma. I explained, via this column, that I'd already had one tough grandma in my life and didn't much care for it then or now. At least the whole grandma thing gave you an excuse to look like a menopausal soccer mom. But when you returned as a candidate for mayor of Austin, you didn't seem quite so redneck (yes, Carole, I think we all learned a little bit from Sarah Palin, didn't we?). You were a little slicker than before, but if you are considering running for governor again, I beg you to heed my desperate plea and go get a makeover. Yes, head to toe, Carole. You already know that the "One Tough Grandma" routine didn't work, so it's time to discard the look entirely. We know that you're built like a fireplug, Carole, so we're not talking about trying to turn you into a runway model at this late date – just begging you to re-examine your current styling and upgrade it from looking like a day manager at Rylander's grocery store in 1972. I feel so strongly about it, Carole, that I challenge you to improve your appearance. After all, if you can't control your appearance, how can you expect us to think that you can control our great state? My idea is for you to put yourself in my capable hands, and let's do two things right off the bat: go to Petticoat Fair and get you into properly fitting foundation garments and get you to a top-notch hairstylist who can overcome the Spoolies-and-Aqua Net look that you sported as "Grandma" Strayhorn. Carole, I'm here to help drag you kicking and screaming into the new century. What I'd like to do is this: We'll accept proposals from stylists who wish to do your hair, and together, you and I will select the best candidate. Same goes for skin and makeup. Then we'll shop for clothes. Yes, it will be traumatic, but it's in your best interests, Carole. After all, you are running against Rick Perry, an incumbent governor who was a male cheerleader in college. So let's cheer up your image.

WORD IS OUT It's true, my beloved Pink Salon on South Congress is closing for good. Deborah Carter sent out an announcement confirming that she was indeed closing the legendary salon on July 15 in order to move the business to a small studio in Dripping Springs(!). All I can say is, I'm bereft. So many hours of so much fun, clothing, gossip, and styling have been spent in the salon, and Mme. Carter certainly has the magic touch. She did say that she would welcome any existing clients that wanted to make the trip to Dripping Springs. Best of luck to you, Deborah! SoCo and I will miss you terribly.

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