After a Fashion

Stephen has already tried burning it at both ends, so that's not it ...

The best Viva Las Vegas fundraiser <i>ever</i>: (l-r) Artist Graydon Parrish, Heath Riddles of KOOP's <i>OutCast</i>, actress and socialite Stephen Rice, and News 8's Rich Segal camp it up.
The best Viva Las Vegas fundraiser ever: (l-r) Artist Graydon Parrish, Heath Riddles of KOOP's OutCast, actress and socialite Stephen Rice, and News 8's Rich Segal camp it up. (by Seabrook Jones/www.juicythis.com)

A BURNING QUESTION I can hardly find the words to discuss this particular issue; it's evil and so disturbing, you may want to turn the page instead of reading it. This issue, frightening as it is, must be brought to the world's attention. Ever since I moved into my new house at the end of December, I've noticed that my cigarettes burn out before I'm through smoking them. Has anyone else noticed this? At first I thought, "Well, there's probably just a lot of moisture in my house, and the cigarettes are getting damp." But then I noticed my cigarettes were burning out before their time everywhere I went. Then I noticed that even my friends' cigarettes were burning out before they were done. Was this a diabolical plan to make us quit smoking? Well, they don't call me the big-boned Nancy Drew for nothing. I immediately put my thinking cap on (it's red, with multicolored knitted pom-poms all over it) and set out to solve the mystery. Of course, Big Tobacco was no help. They just hung up every time I called and started screaming at the receptionist. Finally, I did some lab testing on my own. I decided to smoke as many cigarettes in a row as I could, as fast as I could, so that I could rule out the notion that I was smoking too slow. Imagine. Me. Smoking too slow. It's beyond comprehension. I huff and puff on them like I'm about to blow down the home of the Three Little Pigs. It's as if I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I have emphysema and cannot only not blow down the Three Little Pigs' homes but couldn't even blow out a birthday candle. But now? God forbid I should take the time to go get something to drink or answer the door before that cigarette burns out. What is with that? Is it the idea that if my cigarette burns out, it will create less smoke and therefore make the world a better place? Or is it just some hideous scheme to make me light an entirely new cigarette each time? Under that plan, my cigarette consumption would rise from almost a pack a day to four or five packs a day. And at the price of cigarettes these days, I'd have to win the lottery to support my habit. So, the results of my research are not very conclusive, but I'll bet there's somebody out there who knows the real answer ("Philip Morris, line one!"). Shall we smokers consider a class-action suit? What's your take on it? Pay attention when you're smoking, and you'll see what I mean.

A PET-TY AFFAIR We went to the Animal Trustees of Austin's annual Petcasso benefit on Sunday. Or as I like to call it, "the little event that could." In just three years, it's grown so much: The art more sophisticated, the production so much smoother, the food better, the crowd bigger, and this year, they raised more money than ever. I'd say the animals of Austin are safer than they have been ... which is not to say they are safe yet, but with groups like the Animal Trustees, they've come a long way.

LOL Seen the YouTube video commercial for Cougar Barbie yet? Well, I'm not going to tell you about it. Just look it up, and laugh your ass off.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for over 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Austin style
The Good Eye: Where Everybody Sews Your Name
The Good Eye: Where Everybody Sews Your Name
Leslie Bonnell’s Stitch Lab insists that you are not a number

Amy Gentry, May 30, 2014

After a Fashion: A Stitch In Time
After a Fashion: A Stitch In Time
Fort Lonesome will not be lonely for long

Stephen MacMillan Moser, July 5, 2013

More After a Fashion
After a Fashion: The Main Event
After a Fashion: The Main Event
Your Style Avatar would look great sporting these parasols

Stephen MacMillan Moser, June 28, 2013

After a Fashion: The Jewelry Vault
After a Fashion: The Jewelry Vault
Stephen's got a brand new bag, and it has some local landmarks on it

Stephen MacMillan Moser, June 21, 2013

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Austin style, cigarettes, burn, Cougar Barbie, Animal Trustees of Austin, Petcasso

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Keep up with happenings around town

Kevin Curtin's bimonthly cannabis musings

Austin's queerest news and events

Eric Goodman's Austin FC column, other soccer news

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle