The Austin Chronicle

After a Fashion

By Stephen MacMillan Moser, February 16, 2007, Columns

GRANNY AWARDS Sunday's Grammy Awards were so lackluster that they should have been called the Granny Awards. But they raised more questions than answers, such as: Did Wyclef have a burning sensation in his penis? Why did he keep pinching it? Did Shakira's metal breastplate make her colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra? Why did Gnarls Barkley's singer dress like Idi Amin? Who the hell decided that the dreadful Carrie Underwood was the appropriate person to sing a tribute to Bob Wills? What do Luke Wilson, Christina Ricci, Samuel L. Jackson, and Al Gore have to do with the music business? When will Jennifer Hudson discover appropriate undergarments – especially some that might make her pendulous breasts appear to be approximately the same size? And lastly, why didn't they just call the whole thing the Dixie Chicks Awards? Five top awards – good work, ladies!

R.I.P. A.N.S. OK, we know that the Texas trash named Anna Nicole Smith is dead, and I'm sure we all know the details. But I'm shocked (shocked, I tell you!) to be reading that the speciously credentialed Prince Frederick von Anhalt, aging husband of 90-year-old reptilian sex goddess Zsa Zsa Gabor (ancestor and prototype of Paris Hilton), claims to have had a decadelong affair with Anna Nicole and to be the father of her 5-month-old baby. I'm fainting. He claims the often-corpulent Anna Nicole wanted him to make her a "princess," but he'd have had to divorce the bedridden Queen of Outer Space, Zsa Zsa. His solution? That he and Zsa Zsa "adopt" the 39-year-old Anna Nicole. He went so far as filling out the adoption papers, but the uncompromising Zsa Zsa refused to sign them, nixing the idea that her husband's lover become her "child." How thoughtless of her. Doesn't she want to see her husband happy?

ECONOMY TIP Old telephone books make great personal address books. Simply cross out the names of people you don't know, and voilà!

YIKES I studiously avoided Mardi Gras while I was in Galveston for a few days (working on the wedding dress for the future daughter-in-law of the Long Center's Cliff Redd) – watching the coverage on television confirmed that I was correct to stay away. How did an event of such religious and social significance become an amateurish drunkfest dedicated to indecent exposure?

SCREEN NAMES My new favorite one to use is Animé Wong, replacing my former favorite, Fey Ray.

THE HAIR CHAIR Thought you might be interested to know that Ron King at Bô Salon just returned from Olympus Fashion Week in NYC, where he worked alongside celeb stylist Ted Gibson on runway shows and photo shoots… Speaking of salons, I had my hair done at Sage Salon recently (their new location in the 2nd Street District will be opening any moment). Well, I felt like I was cheating on my usual hair mistress and keeper of the locks, Deborah Carter at Pink Hair Salon & Gallery, but it was an emergency, and I'd waited too long for Deborah to accommodate me. So after giving raves to Sage Salon for the work they've done for so many fashion shows, Austin Music Awards, and on friends of mine, I went there myself and walked out with a faaabulous new platinum blond do from colorist Carissa and cutter Jenni, who uses a dry-cutting technique learned when she was assistant to recently deceased celeb stylist John Sahag.

AGENDA Sunday, Feb. 18, 5pm, at the Barr Mansion (10463 Sprinkle), the Animal Trustees of Austin present Petcasso, featuring artwork done by the pets of celebrities such as Sheryl Crow, Ray Benson, and my dear friend Sara Hickman. Tickets and info at… Saturday, March 3, 6pm, One World Gala 2007 presents Footloose with Kenny Loggins at One World Theatre. Tickets and info at… Saturday, March 17, 6pm, at the Downtown Hilton, the Human Rights Campaign presents the HRC Austin Gala Dinner, featuring a performance by Lorna Luft (Judy Garland's daughter and Liza Minnelli's half-sister, as if you didn't know). Table and ticket info at… Thursday, April 26, 6:30-9:30pm, at the Umlauf Sculpture Garden & Museum is the "Best of Austin" award-winning Umlauf Sculpture Garden Party. Tickets and further info at

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