After a Fashion

The Most Notable Blonds of 2004 – Seen at a New Year's party on Mars, crime-fortune heiress, novelist, and reality-show participant Victoria Gotti – I practically had to keep her separated from her alleged bitter enemy Paris Hilton, who snubbed Gotti's three hair-gelled hooligan children at a nightclub; the strangely, almost unnaturally effervescent Donatella Versace, who is said to know how to use a fingernail like you can't imagine; Your Style Avatar, without whom no party is complete; and Heiress Paris, without whom no sex tape is complete.

1) The Faux-hawk It's like a Mohawk but a lot stupider.

2) Ugg Boots They left the last syllable off of Ugg.

3) "That's Hot ..." It's not.

4) Babies: The New Fashion Accessory Just ask Julia, Liv, Gwyneth, et al.

5) Dogs: The New Fashion Accessory Too bad Britney Spears' dog and Paris Hilton's dog can't dial a telephone. First place they'd call would be Star magazine ... and then the Humane Society.

6) Celebrity Baby Names Hazel, Phinneas, Apple, and Milo Best of luck to each of you in school ... and we can't wait for your books to come out in a couple of decades (I pray for little Bobbie Kristina's book).

7) Magnetic Ribbons Lovely sentiments designed to look like a folded ribbon that look silly plastered all over your car. (Do you think Tony Orlando & Dawn earn royalties every time the ribbon idea gets used?)

8) Worst Television Commercials Those two 'tards on the Sonic ads.

9) NippleGate After we gawked at Janet Jackson's breastesis and the country became obsessed with moral values, tops began dropping across the nation ... notably Tara Reid's (was that before or after she cried to a reporter about not wanting to be known as "the drunk girl"? Too late, Tara).

10) Wristbands: A Blight The lovely and ubiquitous yellow ones were designed here in Austin with the money going to the very worthy Lance Armstrong Foundation. Now there are cheap imitations in every convenience store touting support for our troops, breast cancer, and even a black one that says Live Wrong. And of course the money goes into the promoter's pocket.

1) Star Jones Completely unfettered by taste, she appears to have charged through her hideously overpublicized wedding like an angry elephant rampaging through the jungle. She's just too too, you know?

2) Lil' Kim We've seen your bosoms more than your bra has. They look like watermelons with varicose veins and stretch marks. How about a little less of them and a little less of you?

3) Liza Minnelli Liza, Liza, Liza. Who'da thought you had it in you, you little dominatrix, you? When your hideously overpublicized wedding dissolved, it got really ugly. The lawsuits over the alleged beatings, drunkenness, and sexual harassment have completed the tarnishing of your formerly glittering career.

4) Victoria Gotti Omigod, just look at her.

5) Mary-Kate Olsen Rehab: $153,000. Cheap pink top: $14.95. Denim skirt: $65. Your cooter on the Internet? Priceless. Courtesy of PopBitch.com.

6) Lindsay Lohan In an online poll, she and Osama bin Laden were voted the "Naughtiest People of 2004." Obviously her feud with Hilary Duff has reached apocalyptic proportions.

7) Robert Downey Jr. We can forgive him anything because he's so lovable ... except that now he's recorded an album. Will he be the David Hasselhoff of tomorrow? Or the William Shatner of next week?

8) Jude Law It is an incorrect assumption in Hollywood that the fey Mr. Law is perfect for any part.

9) David Hasselhoff He's jiggy. He's hip. And now he's hop, too, after recording a new album of hip-hop music. Where are my sedatives?

10) A Rare Honorable Mention: Kudos to Roseanne Cash Cash refused to license her father Johnny Cash's song "Ring of Fire" for a hemorrhoid commercial.

Every year, like clockwork, the investiture of those tired, ratty Christmas decorations on the Congress Avenue Bridge throws a pall over the city during an otherwise festive season. The Congress Bridge trumpets downtown, and the ascent to the Capitol should not be like driving through Tacky Town. The city has worked so hard to revitalize downtown, and Congress is such a lovely thoroughfare; why drop the ball during the Season of Light? It needn't be elaborate to be effective, but we should appear as if we didn't purchase our city decorations at Wal-Mart. A lovely idea is to have lights down the South Congress strip as well. Perhaps the South Congress Merchant's Association could consider doing a fundraiser and get SoCo decked out in a manner befitting its status as one of the finest shopping avenues in Texas. Even better, imagine the beauty of having the Congress, South First, and Lamar bridges decked in lights: a stunning view from every angle. Our city is so beautiful and gracious, why would we want to settle for less?