After a Fashion

New face on the scene, massage therapist Tony Howard (l) escorts glamorous socialite/ photographer/Web designer Bryan Ockert to aGLIFF's stylish Oscar party.
New face on the scene, massage therapist Tony Howard (l) escorts glamorous socialite/ photographer/Web designer Bryan Ockert to aGLIFF's stylish Oscar party. (Photo By chaosinaustin.com)

MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME ... Last year the Oscars were held six months after 9/11. This year, they were held four days into a major war. The results? Just like last year: a relatively somber presentation, with a few surprises and some really dull outfits. Speaking of dull, we'll start with the gentlemen: Guys, y'all were so boring and conservatively dressed, without a single interesting idea or accessory among you, except Sean Connery who looked every inch the lord of the manor. And Colin Farrell, omigod, I'd like to devote the rest of my life to making him the happiest man on Earth ... but he just won't return my calls. I didn't notice how he was dressed or how he was groomed. All I know is that my life is his to do with as he pleases. That said, let's move on. OK, ladies, line up. The prevailing trends were asymmetrical necklines, enormous earrings, and sleek hair. Not bad trends, all in all, but guys hate sleek hairdos on girls. Of course, stylists like them and designers like them, but those are really not the kind of guys I was talking about. Nicole Kidman was breathtaking and embodied all three trends beautifully, but please -- you'd have to spray her brown and roll her in peanuts to make her look bad. On the other hand, there's Cameron Diaz: DHOH (Did Her Own Hair) again. She should simply be inducted into the DHOHHOF (Did Her Own Hair Hall of Fame) and sent out to pasture. At least her Chanel gown was pretty, but who could take their eyes off her awful hair and gum-chewing long enough to see it? Cameron, doll, year after year you show up at these events looking like the B-list actress that you are. The point is to look like the A-list actresses you want to be. I simply don't understand it. Last year I pointed out to you that even if you couldn't find a good hairdresser in L.A., there were thousands of excellent hairdressers that would fly in at their own expense to do your hair. Call me, hon, I'll hook you up. After you book your appointment, give Geena Davis a call. Geena's whole appearance was a head-to-toe tragedy. Someone lied to her about her hair; that straight, stringy look doesn't work on young girls (like Cameron) and is certainly not appropriate for someone Geena's age. But everything was wrong: her make-up, her dress, her shoes ... all guaranteed to accentuate how many pounds she's packed on in the last few years. Julianne Moore looked exquisite ... even though she was wearing teal. Julianne, teal got a really bad rap in the Eighties, and we're simply not ready to let it into our lives again. Stick to emerald ... or black. You'd look great in black. But not like the black Julia Roberts wore. Julia's dress was OK ... OK, Julia's dress was pretty -- and looked just like the dress the stage escort was wearing. Bad move, Julia. You never want to dress like the help. Looking nothing like the help was Jennifer Lopez. She gets an A+ for everything. She (or at least her stylists) truly understands what a star should look like at an event like this. And Catherine Zeta-Jones was so gorgeous and blooming with motherhood and beautifully done. Halle Berry was predictably fabulous in an incredible gold gown (with the asymmetrical neckline, big earrings, and sleek hair). And then there's Renée Zellweger. Moving on, I very much wanted Bowling for Columbine to win Best Documentary Feature, but felt sure the Academy would pass on this, knowing that Michael Moore would rage against the machine while he was up there. But I underestimated the Academy; Bowling for Columbine won, and indeed Moore gave exactly the kind of speech they must have been afraid he'd give. To me, the real Operation Shock and Awe began with Adrien Brody winning Best Actor followed by Roman Polanski for Best Director. The Academy's dignity in overlooking certain key political aspects was admirable. Way to go, Academy voters! Though I admire the advances the Academy appears to be making, we have to talk about Best Song. I loathe Eminem and his pitiful one-joke songs. But frankly, I'd rather have seen him there than the stupidly dressed collaborator he sent in his place. Ironically, the music at the end of the broadcast was a medley of Oscar-winning songs -- lush, gorgeous pieces of writing, like "Moon River" and "High Noon" ... and it's difficult to imagine "Lose Yourself" included in it. Fortunately, Oscar-winning songs of the last couple decades usually win a certain place in hell ... and we can be sure there's a room there reserved for Eminem.

A NOTE TO SOME FRIENDS Dearest aGLIFF, I think you all do amazing work. Absolutely fabulous. Regarding your aGLIFF at the Oscars party, this event is a great idea and has every possibility of being an important event for you and the community. May I make a few suggestions for next year? Don't say the champagne is free if it's not. Make sure your caterers bring enough food. And consider setting aside a place where the people who actually want to see the Oscars can see and hear the broadcast. This is an important night, and aGLIFF obviously takes the Oscars seriously enough to honor it, so let's give it the kind of attention to detail that it deserves. Keep up the good work.

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