After a Fashion
What do Osama Bin Laden, Aretha Franklin, and Blue Genie Art Industries have in common? Absolutely nothing, but go ahead and read about them anyway.
GRAMMY GRATUITIES Words that should never be uttered at an awards show: "My friend made this." Are you listening Avril Lavigne? Your outfit (and attitude) brand you as the rankest kind of amateur. You're nothing more than the Fiona Apple of today, and that's the nicest way to put it. But go ahead and have fun with your look, hon, your popularity timer has just about run out ... tick, tick, tick. Erykah Badu once uttered the words, "My friend made it," while looking like a big green mattress with its stuffing coming out. Erykah's new turbanless look is fabulous; due to the change of hair, we'll overlook the casualness of her outfit. As if we haven't seen enough of Kylie Minogue, she made us into criminals (or unwilling voyeurs, at the very least) by wearing a dress so short that even the program in her hand couldn't cover her shame. And Aretha Franklin? Well, Aretha is the Queen of Soul and can pretty much wear whatever she wants, but hon-eeeee, she looked hideous. It's bad enough that she wore a blond fall on her black hair, but the dress? She looked like a large floating iceberg. And then there's Eve. I haven't any idea whether Eve is talented or not, or what exactly Eve's talented in, but with some professional advice, she could be reliably awards-show dynamite. Unfortunately, the professional advice came too late for this year, but we'll keep our well-manicured fingers crossed for her. Frankly, I thought Paul Shaffer looked wonderful. Like a diminutive pimp, yes, but thank god he has the guts to dress with some style. 'N Sync sang a tribute to the Bee Gees using falsettos that were sooo high only dogs could hear them, and they looked so dreary (and ooold!) that they might as well have been 2003's version of the Mills Brothers. But if we want to talk about real old, let's talk about Simon & Garfunkel. It was wonderful to see them perform together again, but neither of them have ever had nice hair, and, well, time has not been good to them in that way. Art Garfunkel's comb-over resembled a bird's nest, and Paul Simon's apparently given up his decades-old quest to disguise his baldness, which is as it should be. Between them and James Taylor, who also performed, they could make some franchise of the Hair Club for Men very happy. P. Diddy was beautifully dressed; I think he's loathsome, but he has gorgeous clothes. And this young John Mayer who won Best Pop Male Vocalist? Never heard of him, but, ay-yi-yi, he's so handsome, writes so well, and has such a beautiful voice. And at 16, isn't he still jail bait? OK, so he really is older (and legal) ... maybe John can come over to my place before the Grammys next year, and I'll help him get dressed. Harvey Fierstein looked mmmarvelous as Edna Turnblad from Hairspray; Aretha should have gone to him for fashion advice for big-boned gals. A predictable and fairly mundane presentation all in all, with few musical surprises.
DON'T FORGET Saturday, March 1, is ArtErotica, the fundraiser for AIDS Services of Austin from 9pm until midnight at Blue Genie Art Industries (916 Springdale). Featuring music, wine, and dessert, plus an erotic-art auction with works from local and international artists. Tickets are $25. Contact Jay Billig at 914-5292.